July 2, 2022
How to: Win at Wimbledon
It’s a ladies prerogative to Win at Wimbledon. This outcome is easily achievable with my simple guide:
- Secure Court 1 tickets from a stranger at Scotts.
- The evening before Youtube “Rules of Tennis” in order to know when to clap, when to gasp, and what “Deuce” means (You can’t have them thinking you’re uncultured).
- Arrive well dressed and fashionably late. (READ. Well dressed: an elegant summer dress that swishes as you walk up stairs, a shoe you’ll still be able to walk in 8 hours later, an arresting smile, sunglasses that can and should be lowered to make eye contact with absolutely anyone who might be able to get you into Centre Court)
- Procure Champagne immediately. Full sized bottles of course. Half sized bottles are for children and the weak.
- Enjoy your first Court 1 game, basking in the warm glory of finally being at Wimbledon. Clap and gasp when appropriate.
- Leave court one and attempt to cadge your way into Centre Court. Feminine charms, bribes, crying and theft are all acceptable currencies.
- More Champagne. Another full bottle. Bottles of Champagne are like lovers – they should never be counted.
- End up Live on a well known American sports channel for little more than being an attractive black woman in a nice dress sipping Champagne at Wimbledon.
- Now fuelled by alcohol and an inflated ego, make a second attempt for Centre Court (feminine charms – amazingly – don’t work. They use Firefighters as stewards as they know the type of people who would run into a burning building to save a life cannot be corrupted). Instead, find an entrance where the steward is either missing or talking to someone and simply walk (okay, run) in. Secure two seats as close to the court as you dare. Immediately befriend the kind, Guardian reading couple in the next seats in the hope they might defend you, should the true owner of these seats show up.
- Enjoy watching Nadal win on centre court, all for the price of an Uber Exec and a little audacity.
- Ordering a third bottle of Champagne would be scandalous, but in a way, so would not ordering a third bottle of champagne. How else to celebrate your Centre Court debut.
- Utilise a break in play to scout for even better seats, and maneuverer your way to the family and friends seats at the front (luckily Coco is playing, making this somewhat plausible).
- Crawl out of your first ever Wimbledon at 9ish and head home. In your evening prayers, remember to thank that stranger at Scotts, the distracted steward, and Lanson Champagne, for conspiring to make a fabulous day out.