Taking the Political Biscuit (and a bit about cars)

The political climate is now like a hellish Christmas Selection Box of gargantuan proportions:

 

Increasingly stale and unpalatable, the choice really comes down to which candidate you dislike the most. I was saying the other day how much I miss the Hague/Prescott era of politics but then I remembered there was a literal recession! A sad indictment of the current state of things that I should look back on the recession as the “good old days” of politics!

 

Have you ever thought of your favourite politician as a biscuit? (Entirely rhetorical question based on the principle that you almost definitely haven’t).

 

Well, I have! (Too much time on my hands, clearly!) My thoughts are as follows:

 

Boris: Ginger Nut. Ginger, obviously. Nutty, obviously. Can survive multiple hard knocks thoroughly unscathed. Talks a strong game but fundamentally crumbly when put in hot water. Cannot be trusted to sustain a thorough tea dunking.

 

Corbyn: Fair Trade Chocolate Digestive. Ideologically driven but financially unviable. Supposedly the people’s biscuit of choice, but known to be a bit of a melt.

 

Nicola Surgeon: Shortbread. Short. Strong. Sweet. Scottish. Deliciously retro (those suits are so 80’s they’ve almost come back in fashion). Easy not to like, but impossible not to respect.

 

Nigel Farage: Jammie Dodger. No further explanation necessary. Not to be consumed by those with a fully developed brain.

 

Caroline Lucas: Pink wafer. Soft, sweet, easily broken. Can not be taken seriously or compete against other biscuits but still maintains a place in the nation’s heart.

 

Tony Blair: Jaffa Cake. Cake or biscuit? Hero or villain? Can a jaffa cake be held personally responsible for my expanding waistline? Can Tony Blair be held personally responsible for Iraq? Valid questions, valid questions…

 

David Cameron: Tunnocks Caramel wafer. A once much loved staple, which has now almost disappeared from the landscape and no one seems to have noticed.

 

Theresa May: Rich Tea. A lovely old dear. Hopelessly uncool, and brilliantly uncomplicated. Not at all deserving of negative reputation. Somewhat lacking in flavour, but can survive a thorough dunking and remain in tact.

 

Jacob Rees Mogg: Party Ring. Something not quite right – no one needs to be trying that hard. Under the icing, average at best.

 

John McDonnell: Jacobs Cream Cracker. Really dry: but here to remind you what it feels like not to have running water and that there’s more to life than material pleasure. Happiest when smothered in margarine (or so I’m told).

 

***Bonus Politician***

Donald Trump: Fig Roll. Smells a bit wierd but no one’s brave enough to mention it. Can only be consumed in miniscule amounts, so best not to consume at all. Even the people that like it, don’t really like it. Squishy and pliable on the outside, a nondescript mess on the inside.

 

Hmmm,
All this selection box talk and I’m now peckish! Still preparing for my shoot so the closest thing I’m having to a biscuit is half a tangerine sat on top of a Ryvita (something I’ve obviously invented and wouldn’t recommend). My running is going so well! So nice this week to connect with others who are interested in fitness too! I have been cooking up a STORM as well, all healthy recipes to combat some of the lovely meals I’ve been having. Can’t wait to move west in the new year, hoping to find somewhere with a bigger kitchen so I can poison, er, I mean, delight you with some of my dishes! Still shopping for the last few bits for my shoot and it’s so much fun picking out which heels, lingerie and outfits to wear. Also if you like vintage cars (who doesn’t) you’re in for a treat!

 

I will save cars for a separate blog because OMG so many ones I would love. I have a thing for the American vintage cars (Chrysler/Chevvy) because theyre so beautiful and feminine, all that chrome and polished rosewood and leather (too bad about the left hand drive). Even the old mustangs are nice (actually the new mustangs aren’t really my thing but are surprisingly good too). My dream day to day vintage car – if there’s such a thing – would definitely be a Chrysler vintage pick up truck (my fun side), or a Mercedes SL (my classy side). Actually I would also love a Ford Capri complete with the outrageously dated tan interiors. A properly restored red Capri is such a cool car! You dont see them often but I think those boxy 80s cars are ripe to come back in fashion (everything from those old Volvos right up to the Ferrari Testarossa).

Anyway I said that’ll be another blog so I shall be on my way. Off to enjoy an evening of tapas and temptation!

 

Epic week this week – thanks!

 

Kiss,
Billie x

A Gentleman’s Guide to Restraints.

(They say knowledge is power, but they also say, with great power comes great responsibility. Please use this guide responsibly, I will not be held personally accountable should you decide to tie your postman up!)

 

Hi Yummies,
Suspense is one of my favourite feelings. I’ve had holidays where I’d been told to pack my bags and didn’t know where I was going until I got to the gate. I love excitement and the thrill of the unknown. As you may imagine, this personality type is an integral part of why I have always lead my life in a way which allows me to constantly explore and experience new things. This manifests itself in many ways, and one of those ways is a love for restraints. If you are a gentleman who likes a little spice, or perhaps one who would like to try, please allow me to share with you, my Gentlemen’s Guide To Restraints (informally known as “How To Tie Up Your Girlfriend”).

 

Cuffs.
Probably the easiest way for a simple, instant restraint. Metal ones if you’re being naughty, fluffy ones if you’re being nice. Leather ones if… well, they look very sexy paired with nothing but black heels! These can fasten the hands in front of the body or behind, or perhaps above her head, can be attached to a bedpost or other fixed item, and can be paired with ankle cuffs for a visual and erotic treat both for the dominant man and the woman who loves to be dominated. I have leather cuffs which are soft, supple, and beautifully (hand) made. They’re probably my favourite. The metal ones work best in a role play scenario (how dare you arrest me, officer!), and the fluffy cuffs are a feminine entry level pair, that are softer to the touch and work well in sensual girlfriendy experiences.

 

Bondage tape.
This is a tape that can be used on hands, legs, over the mouth, or any other body part. The main appeal is that it’s very visual, and you will find the experience of hastily duct-taping your girlfriend, to be more exciting than the simple click of the cuffs. It’s far less tacky than normal tape but not so easy to get off, but still fun to use and if anyone catches you with it in your bag you’ve got more plausible excuses (er… leaky bathroom pipe) than should a pair of fluffy cuffs fall out of your briefcase.

 

Rope.
A classic. The dry martini of restraints. Secure your girlfriend anywhere (within reason) and in any position (without reason!) Rope is a lot of fun, and there are an infinite amount of combinations you can use. A fun example is the thighs and ankles bound together, or the hands bound to the feet. This is a kinky experience, and a very erotic process that is best with someone you are very comfortable with (tape is secure and not so easy to remove). The word “comfortable” is undeserving of it’s bad reputation. There is nothing more sexy than being around someone you trust and are comfortable to be uninhibited with.

 

Improvisation.
Your tie, a scarf, my stockings; Some of the most fun and sexy moments are those that are improvised. Hands bound together with your tie is visually very sexy (use your favourite silk tie at your own risk!) and the DIY aspect means virtually anything can become an improvised restraint. The possibilities when it comes to improvisation are endless and outrageous (if you’ve never spanked a pert bottom with a Gideon bible you’ve been missing out!). The waist tie from the hotel bath robe offers a gag, a blindfold, and a restraint all in one, your belt can be bound round your girlfriends wrists, or her torso with her arms pinned down. Improvisation is the true spice of life, and how we have the best experiences. Going with the flow, and not over thinking or over planning situations is sure to excite your adventurous girlfriend.

 

Please use your new found knowledge responsibly, (or alternatively contact Billie immediately to use it irresponsibly!)

 

See you soon…!

Billie x

Eat. Hike. Love.

Bonjourno yummies! Hope you are well.

 

Back from a delicious adventure in the Amalfi. My first time there and my first time doing a longer (more than a few hours) hike. Have that wonderful feeling of being tired, happy, glad to be home, and at the same time very appreciative to have had such a wonderful experience. Excellent food (I’d love to say you can’t go wrong in Italy, but you absolutely can. I’ve often irritated myself when falling into tourist traps in Rome, Milan etc, but this time it was a wonderful mix of Michelin stars and low key Italian places – no English menu, where ordering was a case of a smile, a point, a “grazie mille”, and a hope for the best). Wonderful company, and the sun made a much welcomed appearance.

 

Feeling lucky to enjoy such a variety of adventures and am currently unpacking quickly so I can go for a run before it gets dark. I have a photoshoot coming up in two weeks so I’m adding some extra cardio to my usual routine. I’m a sprinter by design, but have been working on longer distances (by longer I mean 5K – don’t laugh!) and am making slow but consistent progress. Whatever I do in life, gym, golf, cooking… I love to have all the gear! So I got myself a polar heart rate monitor and some “I know what im doing” running shoes, and have been hitting the park as much as I can. It’s a humbling experience – in the gym I usually out-train most people my size, but in the park it’s another story! When I first started I was being overtaken by pretty much everyone. Long distance running isn’t really my thing (I used to sprint competitively and I’m a fast-twitch muscle type) but if I can get a decent half marathon time in by the end of spring I’ll be happy. I love that feeling of getting in after a run, hot shower and a juice (I’m back into my juicing and smoothie making in a big way – my juicer was probably one of all time favourite gifts). Really sets you up for the day, and despite my frequent exclamations of “are we there yet” whilst scaling the Amalfi, I’m glad I started the running because some areas were not just off the beaten path- they had no path at all!

 

*****

London at Christmas. I love it! I don’t own a television so luckily I avoid most of the adverts advising me that if I buy a new leather sofa I won’t have to pay it off until the year 3018; but there’s something about those massive Christmas trees and all the green, red and gold. I’m even partial to a mulled wine (I’m possibly the only person who genuinely likes the stuff). I love anything that sparkles and can’t help but feel festive, but I have to say surviving Christmas as a foodie is a task of Herculean proportions! A friend of mine has a ridiculous/borderline genius way of eating that she calls the One Bite Policy. The OBP stipulates that in a large dinner or breakfast buffet, you have absolutely everything, but just one bite of each. Thus not over eating, whilst still avoiding that all too formidable “fear of missing out”. Its great in theory but the bad news is, I dont think it’s humanly possible for me to be at breakfast and have one bite of a croissant then put it down, and I’m probably not going to have one bite of roast potato at dinner either!

 

Speaking of missing out – I hope you’re remembering to treat yourself this Christmas season. Should you be looking for some festive cheer and sparkle of a more personal nature, please do get in touch! I’m a busy bee as always – it would be a shame to miss each other.

 

Hoping to see you soon…

Arribadetchi!

 

Billie x

Ascot For a Game Bird

Hi Yummies!

 

Recently had my first Ascot experience. Was invited to the National Hunt (jump) racing and it was amazing! I’m hoping it won’t be my last. First of all, I love horses anyway (I have a country life photoshoot in the pipeline, but it’s been postponed due to weather), so despite the grey skies, one of the most exciting parts was seeing how amazing the animals are at close range, absolutely beautiful, proud, and muscular: true athletes! I’m a big lover of nature and the outdoors and the racing reminded me of the Grand Prix, or a woman getting undressed: great to watch but over too soon! I’ve decided I want to own a racehorse, I shall call him Curly Billie, and he’ll loose every race he enters. When he finally dies I’ll turn him into a giant lazagne and serve him up at a dinner party (this is one of my slightly more surrealist blogs).

 

Luck was most definitely a lady – I managed to make a small fortune (okay, I’m exaggerating the term “fortune” somewhat) from a £5 bet, where I managed to predict both the first and second horses finishing! I’m not really big on gambling, but every time I’ve ever gambled I’ve done really well. I remember being early for the Cirque Du Soleil in Vegas, so sitting down and putting a dollar into the most old and decrepit fruit machine. I guess it hadn’t paid out in decades, because 10 seconds later, I won £400. The only problem with this type of experience is after a few wins (and a few drinks) you start genuinely believing the reason you’re winning isn’t luck, it’s some sort of divine gift (I do have many devine gifts, they’re just of a totally different nature!). But anyway, the races was a great experience and I empathised with the horses somewhat: I too, have spent many an afternoon being mounted and whipped by a small irishman and it was no fun at all.

 

Hmm.. I do sometimes wonder if my humor comes across to people who haven’t met me!

 

Ooo by the way I’m writing this whilst watching the most amazing show about Rick Stein travelling around France eating and drinking in the most wonderful little locations. Maybe I will do the same this spring. I was lucky to have a lunch date with one of my favourite people at Rich Steins place in Barnes- I love seafood. This show reminds me of Keith Floyd (do you remember him!?). Ugh… makes me long for sunshine, red wine simple food.

 

Wait, I lost my chain of thought for a moment. Back to Ascot! If you know me, you know life as Billie is a tale of two halves – half modernist, half traditionalist. Traditional Billie has been enjoying game season (had suchhh a delicious dinner at Game Bird at the Stafford). I do love traditional things, and such a treat to be finally at Ascot (have had opportunities to go for several years but somehow it never quite worked out). Anyway, was a lovely day out and I really enjoyed being in an environment so steeped in history, and I would love to go to Royal Ascot in the summer (hint hint if you’re reading this Prince Harry!).

 

My next adventure?

 

Currently packing for a short break hiking the Amalfi Coast this weekend. Jimmy Choo hiking boots at the ready – what an utter embarrassment to the hiking community I am! You’ve heard of models walking a catwalk? Well, the Amalfi hasn’t prepared itself for it’s very own one woman cathike! And another new place for me to explore. Can’t wait to stomp around in my hiking boots pretending I’ve got a sense of direction (I have none, I frequently get lost between the hotel reception and the room I’m staying in, and despite having been a Lononner my whole life, last week a tourist asked me how to get to Madame Tussauds and I had to consult google maps (it was across the street!)). I’m really enjoying my travel dates and there’s nothing like the thought of a Diavola pizza at the other end to get me over a mountain! You know I love the city lights, fine restaurants and all that jazz, but this year I have really enjoyed mixing things up with some wellness and activity holidays too. I think my dream holiday would definitely be a 3 days foodie, shopping and culture, then 4 days fitness and beach. 

 

Have so much to tell you, it’s been a CRAZY year for me! But I’d rather tell you in person than on here.

 

See you soon,

Big hugs,

 

Billie x

Dream Hikes

A couple of hikes that I’d love try. The Routeburn Track in New Zealand, and the Kings Trail in Sweden:

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Steak (Fiction)

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Please take this poem in the good humour that was intended at the time of writing!

 

STEAK.

 

2017
19:57
Some central London steakhouse.

 

I should have known
Not to trust a man
Who proudly announces that he
Takes his steak
“Very well done”.

 

I like my men
Slightly more
Ashamed of their sins.

 

I want you
To have very well done steak
Behind closed doors
But in public to
Do the right thing
And have it medium.

 

Your steak is sat in front of you
Cremated
Grey
Tough
Dead in vain
Asking why you show
Such a humble creature
So little mercy
As you drown the very last
Of its beauty in
Peppercorn sauce.

 

Has no one ever
Had the decency
To tell you
You are eating your steak
The wrong way

 

You decide on your cut.

 

A
Rump steak
“Very well done”.

 

I wish you’d stop saying it –
Blasphemy.

 

I’m highly suspicious of you.
And that very well done steak.

 

*****

 

Mine is
The right way.
I roll up a pressed, pink
Silk sleeve
And reach for my steak knife

 

I can’t stop
Staring at your meat.

 

You’ve
Been unfair to the animal.
It’s a dry
Hunk
Of unpleasantry
You might as well have ordered
Goat.

 

Christ,
I’m a lady,
You can’t just
Casually order up a
Well done steak and
Expect me
Not to
Notice such a
Vitriolic
Vandalism

 

It’s sadistic,
We can’t be together when you treat a
Steak
Like that

 

There are only two types of people:
Those who eat their steaks like this
And
Those you can trust.

 

It’s a sirloin for me.
There is no other way

 

Well,

 

T Bone, debatable, but I like the
The fat;
The only one I don’t like is the rump
And
That’s what you’re having
And you’re having
It the wrong way and you’re also
Having
To saw at it just to get through

 

Like a
Heavy handed lumberjack to a
500 year old oak

 

Filthy.
Utter filth.
That knife (a Laguiole with a birch handle)
Is a work of art-
Watching you eat is like watching a man
Piss
On a Picasso

 

I want to help you
I want to tell you

 

About the feeling
When the knife slides through
Like a guillotine:
Ecstasy.
Hardly any resistance
Colour on the fat
Just enough juices
To be absorbed by a
Ready
Willing
Potato.

 

Slicing that rump
Should be
An act of subtle perfection like
Penetrating a woman.

 

Soft.
Beautiful.
The right way.

“Medium rare”.

 

Brown and then
Blushing and then
Pink and then
Red

 

We are talking about
The EU or something
But I don’t care about your opinions
Because of what
You did
To your steak.

 

Two thirds of the way through you’ve had
Enough
And I
Tentatively
Suggest
That you might bring your steak home
To use as a door stop.

 

After you finished
Flossing your teeth with your
Very
Well
Done
Steak

 

You ask me on another date
But it’s sushi.

You probably take your sushi well done too.

 

But,

 

That’s another poem.

 

-BF