Kiss the Cook

My 7hr slow cooked leg of lamb with roasted broccoli, cauliflower mash, caramelised onions, and a sauce I made from reducing the cooking juices with red wine. I always get my meat from the butcher at Selfridges they have the best lamb. This is my own recipe πŸ™‚ One of my favourite things to make for a guest at home.Β 

Life on Planet B

From top left:

No paparazzi please, Sunday breakfast at one of my favourite spots; Would love to go to this Tarantino event! Email me if you’re interested; A funny meme I made “How to identify the typical British Airways Club World Traveller” πŸ˜‚; The delicious prawn croquetas at Michelin Star Sabor (why do they always give 3 between 2 people! Well – I’m not sharing the last one – your reward for letting me have it is watching me eat it πŸ˜‚); Flowers from my favourite florist Jamie Aston; Putting in work at the gym

The F**k. (First Draft)

Non fiction.

I appreciate you’ve probably never wanked to a poem before. Just broadening your horizons.

The F**k

It happened on a WednesdayIt shook you like a theft,And any appetiteYou had wasSatiated when I left.If I meant it then I did itIf ISaid it then I lied.I fucked forFunThen fucked youSeriously,Nothing left toHide.I fucked you madlyFucked you shamelesslyWith noPretence or pride.I like to fuck-you in a way thatMaybe someday you’ll rememberMaybeOne dayYou’ll be someplaceOn some weekend in December andThe chill that licks your spineWill be a parting giftOf mine;And every time a wind wicksThrough youMaybe you’ll recallThe time:When I wasWrapped around your egoWith myLegs around your neckWhen all your cards were on theTable IHad plenty in my deck,I had plenty in reserveI had that unrepentantΒ nerveI had the tongue toWreck your shipI fucked you;Just as youDeserved.


The Caribbean is my spiritual home and by far my favourite place to relax. I have never experienced warmer hospitality or more beautiful beaches than on the islands (consider that a challenge!) Returning to London with tan lines and fond memories.


New year, same me.


Dearest Yummies,Happy new year to you, and I hope that by now any excessive Christmas consumption has now been digested and forgotten. I was uncharacteristically restrained this Christmas – I didn’t have a single mince pie or slice of Christmas cake, and I refrained from bringing home any of the usual Christmas things (random boxes of Maltesers, wedges of Stilton as big as a cat, shortbread, etc). I was of course in charge of cooking Christmas Dinner – a task I absolutely relish because I am (if it’s not self-indulgent to say) very good at it. Firstly, if there are less than 5 of you eating, don’t get a turkey. There I said it, turkey is almost offensively boring, and you’ll be stuck eating the thing for a week. Instead I ask the butcher for an uncharacteristically large chicken, that’s the size of a small turkey – safe in the knowledge that it will taste much better and nobody will know but me (and now you!). I make my own stuffing, and bake the majority, but hold some back to put inside the bird along with whole cloves of garlic, thyme, rosemary etc. I also place the bird on top of halved onions, more garlic, carrots and so on, so that the juices and these ingredients conspire to make an excellent gravy. I believe you should never overstate yourself so I won’t when I say:My Christmas Dinner is the best you’ve ever had.So I stopped reading the psychology book I started because honestly the point was made in the first 10 pages and I found it to be not that interesting or insightful of a book (however I have started listening to The Psychology Podcast which I have found to be truly excellent and better than anything on TV). Anyway I’ve started reading a book by The Secret Barrister, and it made me think that in another world I’d be a lawyer. There’s no argument I can’t win, and I have the precisely balanced combination of high intelligence with a dash of audactity and a sprinkle of bullshit. Most importantly I feel I can defend ideas that I don’t agree with. Most people can’t do that.I’ve also decided this year to make the brave decision to move from my Windows laptop and android phone to iOS (I promise this blog does get more interesting eventually, however fundamental part of Girlfriend Experience is you must listen to me go on about this stuff 😘🀣). I’ve had an iPhone for nearly a year but haven’t opened it as I fear change and don’t like the feeling of getting used to new devices. However, getting a Macbook for Christmas prompted me to turn them both on and give it a go. It took me approximately 3 hours to set them both up and they’re still not set up properly. Currently they’re charging in my living room and I don’t know how to use the Macbook at all. I feel like I may be the first to identify a new pathology: Post Macbook Depression. It’s something about knowing that in a years time I’m still going to be Googling things like “how to turn off Macbook”. At times like this you need a man around the house to ask things like “what’s your Apple ID?” and mumble things like “right, so I’ve just got to download the software and then you can log in” before eventually realising I’m never going to use the thing anyway so we might as well fuck instead of wasting both our time πŸ˜‡πŸ‘Β I spent new years in the Canary Islands with a girlfriend and it was exactly what I needed. Firstly, it was very hot (the weather said 22 degrees but it felt like 30 and I’ve returned very tanned. Yes people with my skintone can get a tan. I have very visible tanlines currently), but also enjoyed relaxation, hot tub etc. Although it may feel like I’m always on holiday (and it’s true – I’m off to the Caribbean in 4 days then back for 1 day then off skiing) you can’t overestimate the benefits of seriously good company. This may sound dismissive but I’ve realised that sometimes excellent company is simply the absence of anything wrong. No dramas, no worries, good conversation, and sunshine made this one of the best new years I’ve ever had (last year stayed at home and watched back to back serial killer documentaries whilst eating Lindt chocolate which isn’t even that good of a chocolate, so this year was a considerable upgrade). It also reminded me that you can’t wait for memories to simply make themselves- you sometimes have to… coax a memory into happening. I reached out to my friend and we planned the trip in a few days. I think I have some sort of pride issue when it comes to reaching out to people as I always prefer getting invited to things rather than doing the inviting (which is silly). Anyway, it made me realise that sometimes the only thing stopping your ability to get what you want is asking for what you want.I’ve been very horny lately, my mind has been preoccupied with sexual fantasies most of which are my top 5 “favourite” fantasies, which are mostly boring written down but not as I imagine them. My top 5 are (no particular order):1. Using my toys on camera in front of 100’s of men (no touching)2. Sordid affair with conservative politician (sorry, fully admit almost all my fantasies are in bad taste, although when I say conservative, I dont specifically mean politically Conservative, I mean the type of person with an otherwise straight-laced conservative public persona)3. Meeting stranger in bar and having sex in toilets.4. A sort of relationship fantasy involving just being in a hot sensual relationship and wearing comfortable clothes and having sex in normal places in the house like in the kitchen or shower or sports car.5. Gangbang (not proud of this one πŸ™ˆ and I would never ever do it but I think about it sometimes. Just to repeat – I don’t want to do it).#4 Reminds me of when I was studying and working as a dancer on the weekends and the DJ, who saw women in lingerie and naked every night for 10 years told me that it had become so usual to him that he now fantasises about women in leggings or baggy jumpers. I think the injection (if you’ll excuse the terminology) of sex into an otherwise unsexy situation in itself makes that experience greater than a sum of its parts. When I think of having more “unspecial” spontaneous sex, this turns me on because in a way it’s more unusual than me prancing around the Four Seasons in my Agent Provocateur. It’s like the fetishisation of normality. Or something like that.Of course I also have wilder fantasies than these but I’m too embarrassed to mention them. I’ve noticed more recently my fantasies involve either objectification or the total opposite – in imagining a scenario where there is a lot of deep chemistry and passion involved. More than any scenario, outfit, or anything else, having hot natural chemistry with someone is the #1 exciting thing for me. I think this instant connection is what turns me into a Magical Sex Demon* πŸ‘Ή the most (*I dont actually become a Magical Sex Demon that’s just what you’ll be thinking when I jump on top of you and ride you like… well… a Magical Sex Demon. I definitely prefer to be equal partners or me as the submissive in the bedroom but that said it can also be fun to have some wildness and aggression on both sides – depending on the chemistry). I also find that I tend to have a very rational brain, and depending on my experience with someone over time, I can also really grow to fancy someone more and more (or less and less). I don’t have any complex whatsoever about being treated badly, I am very straightforward on this. Don’t get me wrong I like rough sex as much as the next former Catholic schoolgirl, but I have always enjoyed men who are super respectful and consistent outside of the bedroom. There are all kinds of bravery and I think if as a man you like a woman and you decide to show kindness, make her life easier and so on, this is a kind of bravery. Because I am a very giving person myself, I have a lot of respect for men with this more old school outlook. Definitely that is sexy to me. I think you can be a masculine, strong person in life and still show softness to the right woman. And that softness should not mean you can’t still enjoy spanking her ass or sticking your juicy cock down the back of her throat to say good morning. Everything in moderation you know? One thing your therapist won’t tell you is that sometimes it’s not internal trauma that’s the source of your misery, sometimes you just need sunshine and a good fuck 😊Ok that note I’m off for…Miserable weather and the gym.Oh well πŸ˜…πŸ€£Love ❀️❀️❀️Billie xx

Canary Islands

Saw in the new year with a relaxing girls trip to the Canaries (first time). I have returned relaxed and refreshed!

Beautiful Boats

I’ve always loved boats ever since my first sailing trip many years ago to the Greek Isles – which coincidentally also really made me fall in love with Greece, one of my favourite places to visit late summer, I have been many times, and every time is a pleasure. As a random aside, Greeks also do far better olive oil, and indeed olives than the Italians, and some of the best seafood also. This was real sailing where you sleep on the boat and have to pull the thingy (no, not your thingy!) to make the sail move. Being on a boat is a beautiful experience, and with the right company an experience of a lifetime. At that particular time a chance encounter lead to an adventurous 5 days skippering a sailing yacht (I was more of a lucky charm/ bikini model/ enthusiastic blowjob giver, than a skipper, but anyway I feel I definitely pulled my weight).


At this particular time I’d never been on a sailboat and I found the experience to be so magical and memorable, sailing to the island of Paxos – one of my favourites – where you can sit on the waterside eating spiny lobster with Greek salad, and there’s nobody banging on and no influencers and Loro Piana loafers. I hiked (okay, walked) to the top of the island – the waters are some of the few in Europe that are as blue and clear as the Caribbean. On my way down I passed a beautiful gated private home, surrounded by orange trees heaving with big, heavy oranges glistening in the sun. I did what any self-respecting Bond Girl would do, scaled the fence in my linen dress, Chanel sunglasses, and strappy sandals, picked an orange (harder than it seems, you have to twist them a lot, also the owner had planted thorns around the base of the trees, presumably to prevent people like me from doing things like this) tucked it into my handbag, and quickly escaped back to the tether boat. It smelled so delicious I decided to rip it open before we had even reached the main boat. I bit into it and to my horror…. a taste more bitter than the most bitter grapefruit filled my mouth. I have never been so disappointed! It was like a modern day fable. Moral of the story: never steal thy neighbours fruit.

Sail boats are like cars with manual gear sticks – we’re supposed to prefer them because… (mumbles something about feeling at one with the machine). But I love a motor yacht to the point where I find their presence close to arousing. I can’t fully explain the feeling to be on one or look at them… These are the most sexy boats. To anchor on some remote little beach, music playing in the background, enjoyingΒ  nice plate of fruit or lazing on the front deck enjoying a book. You probably know I have a big interest in cars (especially classics) and motor yachts are a similar thing – the speed, the build, and the decadence are irresistible to me.The only exception (sailboats that can rival motor yachts) is this beauty above which I once saw in the Caribbean. The Mondango 3 – a 180ft(!) yacht that’s like a floating Rolls Royce. I couldn’t find a walkthrough video of the Mondango but have attached one of a similar build by the same yard. This boat was built by Alloy Yachts in New Zealand, who build the most absurdly delicious sailing superyachts but sadly went out of business in 2016 (lack of demand). Sailboats built by Alloy Yachts are true works of art – when I saw the Mondango 3 I remember being truly stunned by how beautiful this boat is. I told myself, I will without a doubt experience a boat like this. The thought that human hands built this thing from scratch is almost beyond comprehension, and the fact that this calibre of sailboat will never be built again is so sad. It represents a type of eccentric person of which there are so few left. Realising the builder had decided to shut down made me pause for thought – okay it’s not the extinction of the white horned rhino, or the collapse of the Lehman Brothers, but still, as of today, mankind will never make this type of vehicle ever again. It’s a pity. Boats, like all other areas of life are sadly becoming a uniform, predictable, expression.

Whenever I travel I make a point of having a good look at the marina and enjoy the boats. I’ve posted below one of my favourite motor yachts, the Riva 66 Ribelle. It’s not a totally crazy one, but I think the absolute perfection boat for romance/long trip.Shall we? πŸ˜‰πŸ˜˜β€οΈ

Kiss!Billie x


The perfect weather to sit by the pool with an Aperol Spritz and think deep philosophical thoughts πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‰πŸ₯‚

Just what I needed – thank you x

To be or not to be

When I say I’m an introvert, people misunderstand. I’m very social, I can get along with anyone. I’m good at pleasing people and I really enjoy making others happy. But if there were no social norms, I’d live on the side of a mountain in isolation for my whole life.


Anyway, my blowjobs are good.

Free Thoughts

I can’t make my mind up as to what my stance is on the Qatar world Cup. I think I believe both that they shouldn’t have the cup for numerous reasons AND that we are hypocrites to judge. I suppose both can be true.

First World Problems

Passport down to the last 2 pages and passport office is being run by people who seem to only have the vaguest concept of what efficiency is. Another Brexit ramification (now need 2 stamps for all EU countries so I’ve filled up half a passport in a year).
There should be a generic “stateless” EU passport or 1 year travel visa for those of us who want to opt in. I’d pay for it. I’m also running out of days I can travel because you can only spend 60/180 days there.
I know what the answer is, I just fear it may ruin me.
I must marry an EU man (a small ceremony in the Tuscan hills and honeymoon in Maldives), acquire a second passport, and run off before he’s had the chance to unearth my scam. Rebrand as “Bally Farloo”, and resume my travels.


Are what you make them. 3 Michelin Stars (+ sublime wine pairing) and an evening at the Royal Opera. Also my nice ass in a little Chanel suit.


By the traditional flavours of Rome.

A little invention from my kitchen: Cacio e Pepe Beans with pancetta sage. I used a mix of butterbeans and cannellini beans for texture, and fried the sage until crisp in the pancetta fat. Very simple but perfect for the season.

10 Random Questions

An off topic Q&A1,Describe your dream house:My goal is of course the archetypal “Big fuck-off House in the Countryside”. A 5 bedroom 6 bathroom converted barn (only problem is all the barns have been converted already but I’ll find one, somewhere), kitchen with an island with 4 bar stools on the end, 4 car garage (needed for an everyday car, big country car, sports car, and classic car), home gym, cinema room, wine cellar, bifold doors opening on to 1-3 acres of land (I’m not big on the idea of too much land) including vegetable gardens and pizza oven, a dog (silver greyhound), big fireplaces, no visible neighbours, modern interiors, hedges trimmed into spheres and a gravel driveway. Ideally populated by me and someone willing to tolerate me forever (I doubt such a person exists πŸ˜…)2,Key to happiness:For me… not expecting other people to make you happy. Respecting the preciousness of time. Appreciating nature.3,Dream travel destinations:Currently… Japan, Austria (Vienna, or to ski), St Barts, Oman, Tel Aviv. Would enjoy Provence next year if possible. I base my travels around food mostly, so would enjoy the South of Italy also for a food tour.Obviously the Maldives (nobody has pitied me enough to take me yet), but really only for 4 days because there’s nothing to do but snorkel, eat and have sex. Actually…. that sounds great! 😊4,Rank 5 sports in order from best to worst (to watch).First of all I’m British so basketball, baseball and hockey don’t exist in my world. American Football is rugby for children. Therefore:– Rugby (not willing to debate this – rugby is the best sport on earth. Like ballet for brutes, rugby at its highest level is beautiful and impressive to watch. Have often dreamed of being reincarnated as a rugby ball)– Tennis (if you play sport or are athletic yourself you have to appreciate tennis for how complete a sport it is. This year was my first time watching Wimbledon live, and seeing the speed, stamina and precision involved was amazing)– Football (I’m a Spurs fan and in the boxes in the new stadium they have heated seats and delicious snacks so that’s significantly raised my appreciation of football recently)– Cricket (my heritage is half Caribbean so I’m allowed to say this: cricket is a seriously boring sport, invented for people who can’t compete in other sports – sorry)– Golf (the discrepancy between how fascinating it is to play vs how boring it is to watch cannot be underestimated. Watching golf is like watching porn – people only really want to watch the last few minuites πŸ˜‚)5,How’s the film list going?It’s not. I watched Blade Runner last week and fell asleep 15 minuites in. It’s confirmed that I just don’t enjoy film (not Hollywood anyway). I’m still going to get through the list which has now grown to some 60 films, but I think perhaps the art films I love so much are perhaps more my speed. And documentaries. I’ve realised I usually don’t like fiction, in any context. I sadly can’t remember the exact quote or who said it, but somebody once said ” I detest all works of fiction, all novels should have a base in fact”. I know I’m misquoting because I Googled this quote and nothing came up – but anyway that’s how I feel. My current obsessions see serial killer documentaries, Grand Designs, and Chefs Table. I also like war films and films about famous/historical figures. I just finished watching the FIFA documentary and to be honest I expected the corruption to be even worse than what they showed. Sept Blatter – what a guy – almost a Bond villain – I’m absolutely amazed he agreed to be on this show… perhaps they persuaded him with a big brown envelope of cash πŸ˜‚6,Would you rather have sex 10 times a day, 2 days a month, or 1 time a day every day.I’m a self confessed maximalist, more is more. Every day please πŸ™‚ (varying degrees of effort obviously πŸ˜‡)7,You can only pick kissing or sex for the rest of your life:I’d go as far as to say most people would have sex with more people than they would deeply truly kiss. Kissing is much more intimate but if I absolutely had to choose… sex it is.8,France or Italy:I have come to believe that the French think they’re the best at everything and this is because for the most part they’re right. The main advantage France has over all other places is you can have a simple life with everything you need. As opposed to many other countries that force you into a complicated life with nothing you need. I love Italy of course, but I’ve visited France 3 times in the last 6 weeks – very varying places: St Tropez, Paris, and a quaint little town near Normandy called Honfleur… and I would say France gives unparalleled variety. That said, Rome > Paris. I love Italian style, but the French can do luxury like no other country (happy to be proved wrong!)9,(This blog was written before Liz won, then resigned πŸ˜…)Rishi Sunak or Liz Truss?Many of my friends in Think Tanks or politics think that we are basically all doomed. I’m a little more optimistic although I agree the options are dire. For me, Rishi Sunak, as I believe Truss is a fundamentally unintelligent person. I just wish Sunak would stop pretending to be in tune with the working man. If he owned his wealth, I think he would be far more palatable. You don’t need to pretend you go to Poundland or buy your suits at Marks and Spencers when your wife is a billionaire. What nobody wants to admit, is that for his position in life, his personal spending is extremely restrained. If I was Rishi Sunak all my suits and shoes would be handmade, I would only fly private, I’d pay my kids favourite pop stars to show up on their birthdays and so on. His approach is actually very modest, very British. He comes across as somewhat patronising but again, at very least he seems like an intelligent man, which would on balance be a net improvement on what we currently have.10,Favourite artist:Currently loving the photographer David Yarrow. I won’t pretend to be more knowledgeable about art than I am, but I also went to a fantastic talk a few weeks ago by a female artist who compiles the most amazing limited edition books, each one a work of art in itself – these interested me a lot too. Recently I did the obligatory visit to the Frieze art fair – I won’t pretend I enjoyed it as more than The Other Art Fair in Shoreditch, which to the naked eye showcased works of an almost identical standard.But anyway, that’s enough from me.See you soon….Love and kisses!Billie x