The Quarantine Boyfriend Questionnaire

Designed to reveal the hidden depths of your inner psyche (scientifically proven to be accurate)! Find out what type of quarantine boyfriend you are.


Please answer A, B or C, honestly:


1. It’s the first day of quarantine. You have prepared by:
A. Bulk buying all of your girlfriends favourite snacks and toiletries, and planning the evenings ahead to make sure you don’t get bored.
B. Making sure you’ve got plenty of champagne in the fridge, and that your Netflix subscription is up to date
C. Buying a 100 pack of condoms and gallon of baby oil, in preparation for a 3-week long sex fest. You’re sure your girlfriend will be very pleased!


2. Your Quarantine Girlfriend loves wearing:
A. Comfy loungewear or a onesie with slippers
B. Leggings and a crop top
C. High heels and nothing else!


3. During your outdoor exercise time, your girlfriend and you:
A. Go on a romantic couples jog together
B. Head to the park for an intense and sweaty HIIT session
C. Find a secluded spot for some wild and passionate outdoors sex


4. Your girlfriend wakes up in the middle of the night. She:
A. Needs a cuddle and reassurance that everything will be okay
B. Has just had a brainwave on how to solve the whole crisis
C. Is horny again! How irritating! This is the fourth time this night!


5. Your Quarantine girlfriends drink of choice during this time is:
A. Green tea
B. Vintage Champagne
C. Cum!


6. You are queuing at the Supermarket. On your girlfriends shopping list is:
A. Pasta, Home and Garden Magazine, Jo Malone Candles
B. Sunday Newspaper, cheese board, playing cards
C. lube, lingerie, vibrator (essential items)


7. Your Quarantine Girlfriend is in the garden:
A. Tending to the flowers and her vegetable patch
B. Practicing her yoga
C. Flashing the neighbours


8. Your Girlfriend plans to make you feel better with her:
A. Loving and caring personality
B. Humour and wit
C. Exceptional deepthroat skills


9. It’s your birthday three weeks into quarantine. Your girlfriend surprises you with:
A. A home cooked roast dinner with all the trimmings and a freshly baked apple pie for dessert
B. A movie night, featuring your favourite film, favourite wine, and a takeaway from your favourite restaurant
C. Anal


10. You are planning a post-quarantine holiday. Your girlfriend would like:
A. To visit Rome, explore the monuments and have a tour of the Vatican
B. To spend a week chilling in Ibiza
C. An orgy


11. In the kitchen, your girlfriend:
A. Is a real talented cook – able to cook and bake everything and anything
B. Prefers to cook simple healthy food
C. Loves being bent over and showing you her “disappearing carrot” trick


12. By week 4, your girlfriend is probably
A. Scared
B. Bored
C. Gagging for it


13. The NHS needs volunteers. Your girlfriend
A. Signs up immediately as a carer for the elderly
B. Signs up immediately as a community leader
C. Arrives at the hospital in a naughty nurse outfit and stockings. Causes several heart attacks and gets sent home.


14. Your girlfriend has started complaining that she isn’t getting enough:
A. Cuddles and affection
B. Exercise and intellectual stimulation
C. Doggy and spankings


15. Your quarantine girlfriend has decided to use this time to learn
A. How to crochet
B. How to speak Mandarin
C. How to put her legs behind her head




Mostly A:
You are a Quarantine Cute Boyfriend.
Congratulations on being a nice guy (yummy!). Your ideal quarantine girlfriend is thoughtful, caring and sweet. Although this situation isn’t ideal, you value intimacy and using this time to get to know your girlfriend. Report to Billie immediately for some cuddles and affection!


Mostly B:
You are a Quarantine Cool Boyfriend.
You’re a chilled out guy, who enjoys the company of a smart and sassy girlfriend who keep you on your toes. This time with your girlfriend will be spent deep in conversation, enjoying good food and wine, and trying your best to get through things with good humour. Report to Billie immediately for the dinner date of your dreams!


Mostly C:
You are a menace to society and should be self-isolating permanently, for the good of the nation.
Constantly horny and in need of some TLC, your dream quarantine girlfriend loves having her ass up and her mouth full! This quarantine has come as a great opportunity to get to know your girlfriends many sexy talents. Report to Billie immediately for the passionate date of your dreams!


Which Quarantine Boyfriend are you?!


Billie x

Quarantine Kitchen (2)

(Below from top left)

Slow Roasted Lamb (5 hours) with Dauphinoise potatoes. Avo salmon bagels. Baked salmon with mac cheese. Lamb ragu (left over lamb from roast) with Mafaldine. Massaman chicken curry. Burrata tacos. Strawberry granola breakfast bowl. Harissa and honey poussin with paprika couscous and tzatziki. Chicken and vegetable pie.

Army Cadet Fantasy (part 2)

My progression through the Special Forces has been swift and well deserved. As the only woman to make it into MI5s so called “Anonymous Unit”, the last few weeks have been spent tirelessly trecking through Peru. The mission: Find, intercept and prevent a drugs deal with street value in excess of 10 Billion GBP. A lot has changed since my early days in the Forces. Hair cropped short, and face somewhat hardened, the comrades have nicknamed me 3B (Three B’s: The Brutal British Bitch). I got here the hard way, and the rumours are true: No man has ever managed to withstand my harsh (and not strictly legal) interrogation techniques. I don’t do the meanial work; When my boots are on the ground, I mean business. My job is to crack El Castillio, the notorious drug lord who has remained elusive and escaped our clutches for nearly a decade. In the back of the armoured vehicle, I open my wallet: therein lies a small amount of local currency and nothing else. No cards, no photos, no keys. Strictly speaking, “we” don’t exist. My radio crackles and I swiftly tune it in to frequency 1090Hz. Immediately I recognise the voice of Jack Judson, nicknamed High3 (he used to be called High5 but we switched it up on account of him having lost two fingers in a Russian arms deal gone wrong – long story)

The radio crackles
“3B to High3. Received. Do we have Goldilocks alive? (all our suspects are given the names of fairy tale characters, no one can quite remember why)
“Affirmative Ma’am.” High3 replies “But it’s going to take a sledgehammer the size of the Amazon to crack this one”
“Received High3. Good thing you’ve got me on board. We need him at base by 5pm. If you see so much as a sand lizard on your way, shoot it dead, then shoot it again”. I order.
“Affirmative Ma’am”
The radio crackles and cuts.

Time to get to work.

By the time I get to base it is 6pm. Sundown is early in this part of the world and we have had to change routes three times to avoid detection. Our inside man, face wrapped in a bandana meets me at the entrance to our base.

“Bandino” I say, without looking at him, “Thank you”.

I shove an unmarked brown envelope stuffed with local currency into his hands and within moments he disappears into the night. Before visiting El Castillio, I re-enter the back of the armoured vehicle and change into civilian clothes. This type of detainee will need an unorthodox approach. I leave the vehicle, feeling the cool night breeze on my now bare legs.

“Where is he?” I bark at High3. My voice pierces the near silent night
“They’ve got him in Unit 9-0 ma’am”.

I enter the unit, a large suitcase trailing behind me. It’s a small, dimly lit room, and El Castillio is sat on a steel chair with his arms cuffed and cable tied behind his back, and his legs also secured. Stage One of the interrogation process is designed to crack those who are the most weak willed. I know it won’t work, but Geneva convention, yadda yadda, combatants must try reasonable force first. Dressed in my army boots, denim hot pants and a cropped blouse, I walk towards the detainee, looking him directly in the eye, my gaze never faltering.

El Castillio begins talking, a thick accent making his words almost indistinguishable.
“No entiendo… porque estoy aqui -” he begins
“Okay so let’s cut the crap”. I interrupt. I’ve read your file, I know you speak English.
His tone immediately changes and he responds in perfect, measured English, his glare meeting, but not quite matching mine
“What do you want?” He asks. “You want money? I have more money than you can dream of”.
“We know what’s happening at 12:00 hours tomorrow, we just don’t know where” I reply.
El Castillo pauses for a moment, clearly surprised at our Intel.
“Why would I tell you that ahh?” He asks “You can’t extradite me, you can’t kill me, and if you jail me I will have paid my way out by sunrise so what makes you think I’m going to tell you about my… business affairs?” A smirk spreads across his defiant face.

I don’t reply.

Initiate Stage One.

Still bound to the chair I approach El Castillio. Without a word and with the swiftness of a true professional. I unbuckle his trousers. I see his brow furrow, trying to work out what I’m about to do. I pull his trousers down to his ankles. He knows better than to struggle- he’s going nowhere. I stride to the suitcase, and remove an unmarked tinted bottle. I unscrew the top and walk back to the detainee. Stood between his legs with my back towards him, I unbutton my shorts, and pull them down, efficiently. My bare, peachy bottom, exposed in front of him. I bend over to pick up the bottom, making sure Castillio gets a full view from beind. In the bottle is no poison, no truth serum or skin irritant – just a simple oil. I pour the oil over my ass and casually take a seat on El Castillios lap. Of course, his cock leaps to attention hardening between my bum cheeks. I hear his breath quicken and his chest heaving behind me. I sit there for 5 minutes or so without moving; then slowly begin rocking backwards and forwards on his lap, I stand up then turn around, straddling him on the chair, with nothing but the warm oil between us.

Looking into his eyes, I stroke the side of his face, an immaculate manicure tracing a rough, hairy cheekbone.
“Castillo. How about you tell me where the deal’s taking place?”
I ask.
I push myself right up against him, his cock erect and pressed against my bellybotton. We are nose to nose. I put my arms around him and rest my head on his left shoulder. Speaking softly,
“If you tell me, no repercussions, no arrest, we go or separate ways and you keep face.”
El Castillo stays silent, but his body betrays him. Chest to chest I feel his heart beating frantically beneath his shirt.
“No?” – I ask. I lick the sweat from the side of his face – “No?”
Casually, I lift myself up slightly, then lower myself slowly onto his cock. His arms strain against the cable ties which bind him to the chair. Another trickle of sweat courses down his temple. 10 seconds of heavy nose breathing as I sit there motionless, eye to eye and sat on his throbbing cock. I begin to ride him; at first slowly, but then… The heat of the jungle… 18 months with no sex… finally face to face with my enemy… who part of me begrudgingly admires… passionately I ride his cock like a machine, sweat running down my back, keeping frantic pace for 5 minutes or so until I feel him ready to explode.

5… 4… 3… 2…

Just as it’s about to happen I abruptly stand up.
“What?” He tries to lunge towards me, but of course, is incapable “Get back here, you little bitch!”

I roll my eyes. A long, slow, patient breath escapes me.
“I’m not a bitch, I’m THE bitch.” I reply.

His cock is still rock hard, so close to cumming yet… so far.

I stand in front of him, squatting slightly so we are at eye level, and laugh in his face.

“Just tell me, where the deal is taking place?” I press, “Tell me…”
I reach down my nails teasing his balls

Finally he opens his mouth, resigned.
I’ve won, he’s proven very easy to crack.

I run to my suitcase, scrabbling to find a pen and notepad, then returning to his chair with both in hand. “Go on then Castillo, tell me what you know” My face is etched with eager anticipation, my pen poised to take the coordinates

His mouth assumes a small smirk, eyes blinking up at me with an earnest humour

“Suck my dick, bitch.”
He replies.

A hot wave of anger washes over my face. I feel my temper rise – no one makes a fool of me. No one!
Time to initiate Level Two.

(To be continued…)


Billie xxx

Quarantine Kitchen

Hi Yummies

I trust (or hope) you are well.
Over the last few years I can honestly say there’s been no bigger pain in the arse (and I’ve had plenty… literally!) than this virus. Thank you to the few gentlemen who have reached out. It would be disingenuous to pretend that some time away from being “Billie” has left me in poverty, but still, I am an extremely obsessive saver and it’s nice not to have to dip into my nest egg. Many thanks yummies, you are a class act!

Onwards and upwards… or perhaps downwards, to a rumbling stomach and this week’s solutions.

In times like this, I don’t feel creative in the kitchen, and instead reach for my tried and tested favourite recipes. This week: home made sausage rolls, which I enjoy making and then adding a little extra flavour too (half parmesan and italian herbs, half wholegrain mustard; with intentions to try these again with half harissa and honey, amd the other half balsamic, sundried tomato, and red onion). They were delicious and disappeared very quickly.

Another one of my all time favourites (and extremely simple) is Salmon en Papillote: a masterclass is simplicity. You add layers of fennel, potatoes, dill, butter, salmon on top and a dash of white wine and some seasoning. That’s it, and the result after 25 minutes of cooking is spectacular. A sort of gastronomic ready meal, and I always have a spare one wrapped up in the fridge for a quick lunch.

I’ve also been experimenting with Asian flavours, and made the most delicious prawn and noodle broth (made the broth myself, 7hours of simmering). This was very delicious – heavy on ginger, chilli, lemongrass, and shitake mushroom., Yesterday I tried these fantastic pork chilli bbq ribs, with roasted vegetables and baked potatoes. Yum! None of these meals come from a recipe book – more my own imagination and experience, coupled with what I can get in the supermarket on any given day, which is something of a challenge in its own right!


Sending you love form my kitchen to yours…

Big kiss! (I wish!)


Billie x 

Army Cadet Fantasy

Hi yummies! Hope you’re holding up okay. I’m fine, have fled London in favour of the beautiful countryside, and am somewhat enjoying the slower pace of life, although truth be told, I’m so used to being a busy bee that it’s hard not to get bored, so I’m reading and writing (and of course cooking) a lot. One of my biggest frustrations is not being able to get to the gym, but I’m doing my best to avoid the snacks, keep calm and carry on. Finally, a big thank you to those who have offered help and support during this confusing and scary time!


Shall we crack on with a little story?



I thought I would share with you one of my favourite fantasies. This one is not for the faint hearted and probably best read when alone! If you’re self isolating with the family, or already presenting symptoms, it’s probably best for your respiratory system and family life, that you leave this one for another time. If you’re feeling brave (and possibly horny), then please continue…






I hang the “VISITORS” pass around my neck and walk into the hall. I am dressed in jeans, heels and a cardigan and as I walk in, I nervously take in the other people in the room. There are about 20 of us in total. Approximately 15 men and 5 women, standing around trying not to make eye contact. We wait in silence, until finally the door swings open, and in marches a bald man, around 5ft10 tall and broad at the shoulders, clad in a camouflage print jacket and trousers, heavy boots on his feet, and a cap pulled low on his head.

“CADETS!” he shouts, his voice echoing across the hall “SOME OF YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE EXCEPTIONAL. SOME OF YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOUR RICH HARVARD DADDIES GOT YOU HERE AND SOME OF YOU THINK YOU’RE HERE FOR A GOD DAMN FASHION SHOW” he barks, looking pointedly at me. I fumble self-consciously with my Chanel cardigan buttons, noticing that everyone else is already in full army gear.

“SIR-YES-SIR!” we reply in unison.
Only ten burpees in and I am already struggling. In heels and tight jeans I can barely make the movements and my ankles begin to burn as I try to make the 15th burpee.
Another officer pokes his head around the door and Corporal McKinley walks to the door to speak to him. As soon as he is out of eye shot, I turn to the rest of the group, faking an over the top American accent and standing in McKinleys trademark wide legged stance “I am Corporal McLoser!” I sayin, in a mocking tone. The room erupts into laughter. “I am an Ammuurrrcaaan Eaaaagle-“ but this time, no laughter, as the other cadets shuffle awkwardly, looking at their feet. I suddenly feel McKinleys hot breath on the back of my neck, and spin round, horrified- “CADET BILLIE. YOU FANCY YOURSELF THE CLASS CLOWN DO YOU?” he screams at me, flecks of spit flying into my horrified face “ARTHUR, TAKE THIS CLASS, I AM GOING TO TAKE BILLIE FOR A NICE INTENSE BURNOUT SESSION.” The other officer runs in to take over.


I follow McKinley silently out of the room, my feet aching from my heels and my jeans nearly torn at the knees. We walk across the grounds for what feels like ages, until finally we reach a large outbuilding, clad in silver and rusting corrugated iron, with a large double door on the front. He opens the door and silently, I walk in. The inside is a cold, nearly empty box, brightly lit with strip lighting.
“Cadet Billie.” He starts, inches from you face “You ever undermine me like that in front of other cadets and I swear on the almighty flag you can pack your bags and be on the first flight back to London by this evening. Understand?”
“Sir-yes-sir.” I say sulkily, glaring at McKinley.
“You are dressed inappropriately Cadet Billie… You want to act like an animal? Okay, I’ll treat you like an animal. Take all your clothes off. ALL OF THEM. Do it now.”
“Don’t play with me Cadet Billie-“
“Sir-yes-Sir” I reply, slowly unbuttoning my cardigan. I strip to my vest and my underwear- a plain white bra, French kickers and heels. I take my heels off and drop 5 inches, McKinley now towering over me. I remove my vest and bra, my nipples immediately hardening in the cool air, then my knickers.
“Put those on” McKinley nods at a pair of battered lace up army boots.
I walk to the far side of the room, put the boots on and lace them up.
“I want fifty star jumps cadet Billie.”
“But McKinley! I’m freezing! I’m naked! I can’t-“
“OK so you’re not made of the right stuff. That’s fine Billie. Get your things you can leave.”
“NO!” I gasp. I’ve been trying for three years solid to make it this far, giving up is not an option.
“Then start jumping Cadet. Show me what you’re made of.”
I begin my star jumps self-consciously, my breasts jumping uncontrollably, my ass bouncing up and down. Soon, I am drenched in sweat and panting for breath. McKinley sits on a nearby folding chair and watches.
“Turn around and do another 50 Cadet Billie.”
I turn around, my back facing him, starting another 50 star jumps, my bottom bouncing about and jiggling after every jump, exposing myself completely from behind with every star. Drenched in sweat, I complete my 50 and turn around. McKinley is still in the chair, and to my horror, camouflage trousers unzipped and stroking his cock.


“Oh my god! Officer McKiniiii-“
“Mmmm turn around and touch your toes 50 times Cadet Billie”
Silently I turn around and touch my toes.
On the 23rd rep, I feel McKinley approach me from behind, I feel him rubbing his cock between my legs from behind, one hand squeezing my bum. Sliding smoothly, grunting, his precum dripping between my thighs. I can’t help but start to get wet, as the tip of his cock teases my clit. 12 more reps to go… Just as I’m touching my toes for the 39th time, McKinley looses control, grabbing me tightly around the middle from behind and slowly sliding his cock inside me. I scream out loud, trying to struggle away. He puts his hand over mouth and begins fucking me roughly from behind like an animal. He picks me up with his cock still inside me and carries me to the table, bending me over it, and bouncing me on his cock in doggy. My juices run down my shaking legs, and he shoves four large fingers into my mouth. I suck on them, my eyes rolling back, trying not to scream, my muffled moans echoing off the bunker walls.
“You’re my bitch now Billie” he says, pulling my hair around so I’m looking him in the eye as he plunges deep into me “You’re going to swallow everything like the little slut you are.” He stops and I fall to my knees. He pulls my head up, shoves his cock into my panting mouth and cums down my throat. I choke and swallow, letting a little dribble down my chin. Tears in my eyes, and adrenaline coursing through my veins, I make a sudden and foolish attempt to get out of the building- dashing for the door, naked, frantically turning the metal handle- but its locked! I sob in frustration still trying to open the door, McKinleys booming footsteps not far behind me.
He drags over another chair and sits down. Cock already hard and pulsing again.
“I want you to do 50 squats.” He says, reaching out and grabbing my ass with both hands “And I want you to do them over my lap.”
This really is fucking ridiculous, I think to myself. But I have little choice. With McKinley sat in the chair, I stand with one leg on either side of the chair and my bum facing him. I manage the first 10 or so squats with no problem. Half way through, my legs begin to shake under the pressure. I try to keep upright, but eventually my legs give way, and I collapse downwards onto McKinleys hard and throbbing cock. Too weak and horny to resist, I allow him play with me, both hands using my waist to bounce me on his cock, feeling embarrassed at how aroused I am, hot and sticky between the legs begging for more in my head. I don’t want to cum but I can’t help it. As I start cumming, I hear him whispering in my ear “You love this don’t you, Cadet Billie?”
“Sir-yes-Sir” I reply “Fuck me harder, I want it harder! Fuck me harder Officer McKinley!”


He lies me on the floor, grabs my army boots, and pins my legs right above my head. Holding them up there he begins teasing me in missionary, going so deep I flinch with a shock of pleasure every time.
“Choke me Office McKinley-!” I beg, tears of pleasure streaming down my face

“He begins choking me, and unable to hold on any longer I cum very hard on his cock, shaking and screaming and begging him to fuck me harder and cum on my face. McKinley keeps the slow and deep pace, taking his time, choking me and fucking me at the same time. Gasping for breath it feels so good that I feel another orgasm coming. This time, he lies right on top of me, one arm around my neck, drenching me in sweat as he takes me selfishly, holding me down, my naked body squirming with pleasure underneath him, my toes curled in my army boots.
“Ohh fuck you’re tight-” he moans, slowing down to cum inside me, pinching my nipples. After he’s finished, he stays there for a long while, still inside me, making sure I know who’s boss.
McKinley finally stands up, chest heaving.
“Clean me up Cadet Billie”
I kneel on my knees, licking the cum and sweat from his cock, lapping at his balls making sure I don’t miss a drop, gently sucking the tip of his cock, enjoying his taste in my mouth.
“Good. You can leave now.” He says, zipping his trousers up and adjusting his shirt.
I stumble to my dusty clothes and put them back on. McKinley unlocks the door and I make my way back to the rest of the group. In the distance I can hear one of my comrades ask “Gee, what d’ya think happened to Cadet Billie? She looks a mess! That McKinley sure knows how to put you through your paces!”


(to be continued…!!)


Billie x

Bathroom (Non Fiction)

The door closes behind me
I stand for a second
Sergio Rossi boots and a
Coat and
Take it in,


Your bathroom.


I place my bag next to your sink,
Next to a cluster of
Smart glass bottles and
Enticing tubes:


“Aesop Mouthwash – Bain de Douche”
“Natura Bisse Barcelona C+C Vitamin Scrub”
“Kiehls Ultimate Man Razor Bump Relief”
“Arm & Hammer AdvanceWhite Extreme Whitening Toothpaste”
“MENSCIENCE Androceuticals Advance shave formula (Normal or Sensitive Skin)”


To name but a few.
I grin at your


You’re worse than me.


I open your cupboard
And have a look;

One razor
A dusty “Chanel Bleu” with the cap missing and
Around 10ml left
Sleeping pills
Magnesium pills
Tooth picks
Disposable contact lenses and
A large Sanex body wash


From the bath hangs
A freshly pressed towel that no doubt your cleaning lady has
Thoughtfully laundered


Your towel hangs from behind the door
It’s damp
Take it to my face and
Breathe it in


Smells of you.


I stand there and
Inhale your towel a few times more
With arousal.
It’s like being
Right in the gutter of you
Right in your dirt
In the things that
Money and
Nice houses on Eaton Square and
Cosmetics and
Cleaning ladies
Can’t hide.


I like it
Being around all your things
There’s a
Sophisticated, deep intimacy to be found in
Sniffing you:
A violation,



For me
You’ve laid out a folded towel, a new toothbrush, a travel sized shower gel and body lotion taken from a
Boring corporate hotel bathroom
A sealed envelope
On which you’ve
Tried to write my name in calligraphy.


You have kindness and
Loneliness and
Smells about you –


A perfect person.


But anyway,
I pull out a silk sack from my handbag and empty the contents on
Your bathroom counter.
Survey my materials like an architect
My hand lingers over two lipsticks
Red or


Pink of course,
A glossy one.
I slip out of my sweater
Roll my jeans down
Pull off my cotton CK thong and reach for a
(The sort of thing you probably like)
I look over my shoulder and
Scold my reflection
Self consciously


Hurry the fuck up.


One stocking
Two stocking


My newly crafted manicure pierces
Stocking number
Two so that’s
No stockings
I guess.
Black heels
Shiny black with a red sole and a
Stiletto that could kill a man
I slip into them and
6 inches.
Shake my hair out
Check my teeth
Spray my hair with Dior, my
Neck with Chanel, and
Rub a small amount of
Tahitian monoi oil
Between my


I look in the mirror
Oh God
Do I really look like that?


My phone vibrates and it’s
Dominoes Pizza
On my case like a
Needy ex,
I silence it.


I’m ready.
I look over my shoulder and adjust
My thong, glance at the clock,


Shove a few
Things into the silk sack.


A voice in my head says “Woman, you’re crazy” and
I am filled with an
Unparalled rush
An unparalleled happiness.


I never want to be normal


Fuck forever
Fuck stockings
Fuck 2.5 kids and a 0.5 life
Fuck comfort
Fuck clean towels
Fuck corporate pleasure


I’m on hedonism,
Have you heard of it?
It’s good stuff
It’s the real deal,
High grade thrills.


I leave my bag by the sink
Glance in the mirror
Love myself and

Head back into
Your apartment.



“Christ Billie you took forever in there, what were you doing?”
You ask, eyebrows raised,
Handing me an ice cold Laurent Perrier,


“- Oh,” I laugh,
Looking up at you, my hand fondling your cock absent mindedly
“You know what us girls are like…”


— BF

A Gentlemans Guide to Kinky Billie.

A Gentlemans Guide to Kinky Billie.

(To be followed by a Gentlemans Guide to Sensual Billie at a later date).

*DISCLAIMER* I cannot be held personally responsible for any raise in heart rate, public discomfort, or arousal caused by reading the following blog. Should you become uncontrollably hot under the collar, I suggest you self isolate immediately (preferably with me, I’ve got just the cure).

I often say (only half jokingly) that being a kinky woman is a lot like being born into The Mob. It’s not a lifestyle choice – more a culture of behaviour you’re born into. It never occurs to you that your way of being exists on the fringes of normality, and by the time it does, frankly, you’re too corrupted to care. Your existence is far less exciting or complicated than people imagine: like everyone else, you wake up, brush your teeth, smile at the postman, enjoy spaghetti Bolognese for dinner, and so on. But there’s a corner of your mind that others lack (or perhaps just suppress) and that corner is responsible for your more subversive thoughts.

What happens (or should happen) with most vices, whether it’s parties or alcohol or sex or anything – is that over time you go from enjoying it all, to working out what it is that you really like. In some ways I’m the same, and my tastes have narrowed over time, whilst simultaneously, my individual kinks have broadened. I’m a sensual person, so the balance between my sensual side and my kinky side is important to me. I’m a woman who loves spanking AND snuggles. Why should I be forced to choose? Contrary to what most people believe, it never used to be like this. Way back in yesteryear people were less put in boxes: You could be respectable and a pervert; or an artist and a scientist; or a poet and an explorer. But being a kinky woman with a brain in the modern world can be difficult (albeit rather exciting!) to navigate. My submissive tendencies have always been a part of me that I enjoy; something I like about myself. A lot of people are tortured by their kinks, but I’m not (unless you want me to be haha!)

So, what does Billie enjoy?

One of my favourite things! I’m not sure where this came from (this is the kink equivalent of the Big Bang – it just appeared out of nowhere and it’s easier just to accept it than work out why). I’m aware that very few people have experienced women that enjoy this to the extent I do. I will show you! 🙂 And don’t worry, we’re not talking anything crazy. Usually I enjoy this during rough sex or passionate moments. It is an instant aphrodisiac for me and is extremely pleasurable. I have such a strong physical and mental reaction to being choked (one hand please!) and this leads to vert intense orgasms. Feeling excited even writing this! This kink is something I enjoy initiating myself when I’m in the mood.

Being groped:
I love being grabbed. Okay this possibly isn’t technically a kink(?) But one think I really like is having my bum grabbed. After all who doesn’t like that feeling that someone is passionate about you and can’t get enough of you? I’m a bit of a grabber too by the way 🙂 I like being physically moved around, I like being squeezed and appreciated.

Dressing up:
When John Galliano said “The joy of dressing is an art”, he probably wasn’t referencing my extensive collection of kinky outfits. As you may know – I love being a well dressed woman, so why shouldn’t that extend to the bedroom? I source things from all over, and have been lucky enough to have been gifted many of my favourite pieces. I love strappy leather pieces, held together with cold smooth metal. When I wear leather, it puts me (and hopefully you?) in the mood for debauchery. I also enjoy the dynamic of being minimally dressed whilst in the company of a fully dressed man – perhaps this comes from my time as a dancer, where I spent much of my time in seven inch heels and a virtually non existent thong whilst sat on the lap of a three piece suit. On the other end of tbe spectrum, I enjoy silky stockings with suspender belts to frame my peachy (spankable!) bottom). I like “Sophistisub” (yes I did just coin this phrase now) outfits – fine chantilly lace and pure silks with extremely high heels, perhaps a collar, and my higher quality beautiful handcuffs and accessories. I have some other kinky outfits too that are (for want of a more pretentious phrase) delightfully trashy: wet look, extra shiny extra mini skirts and dresses, and then everything you can imagine quality and taste-wise right up to some pieces I had hand made in Italy by La Perla, and made to measure bottomless catsuit (yes you did read that correctly) by Anoeses.

I am boot ADDICT and have a very extensive collection of sexy leather boots, almost all of which are treasured gifts. My all time favourites are in leather and by Casadei. Boots are so sexy in the bedroom, and I love pairing them with some of my more daring outfits (or nothing at all)!

Favourites include (but are not limited to) me as: an estate agent, personal trainer, nurse, drunk babysitter, mens tailor, interviewing personal assistant, naive and clumsy maid, office slut, d-ddy issues, witness being questioned by the police, snobby stepford wife, bratty student, yoga teacher, hostage/blackmail, air hostess. I also have all these outfits at request (lucky you!) I have written extensive erotic fiction about various role play scenarios, some of which I will post later when they are properly edited.

Self explanatory – whether bent over the bed or your knee. I do not enjoy pain and prefer a dynamic where I am getting a spanking because you understand I fundamentally deserve and need it, rather than to be mean to me. I also very much enjoy fingers in my mouth or elsewhere during this process. I have a few spanking paddles which are also fun.

Hair pulling:
This was one of my all time favourite things but not currently available due to having extensions in. Sorry!

An absolute must for every single kinky girl (life with no boyfriend = riffling through the toybox regularly and often desperately!). In short: I have every toy you can think of, and a few you couldn’t imagine. My favourites are handcuffs, butt plugs (I have many pretty girly ones, which exponentially improve your view from behind, or so I’ve been told!) and clit vibrators. I’ve had times when I’ve been much more into the gadgets – remote control this, and ten speed that, but these days I use them less, perhaps because I’m more in tune with myself and can get a lot of unparalleled pleasure from a fairly uncomplicated one on one interaction. If you come over and want to see, I’ll show you what else I have in my toy box.

(Not to be confused with public sex or dogging or whatever it’s called!) I love to dance for you, tease you, and please myself whilst you watch. I love watching us in the mirror and I also have many fantasies that involve being watched in the shower or whilst getting dressed.

Phew – cold shower pending!

Will write up my more sensual preferences when I have the time. See you soon!

Billie x


Could the person who purchased the television from my wishlist please get in touch! There is an issue with delivery that needs to be fixed from your end. Thank you! xxxxx

Cheltenham Chic

Thoroughly enjoyed my first time at Cheltenham! Really, one of the best day’s out I’ve ever had, and such a fun environment. Yum – I LOVE a man in a tweed jacket – especially with a well made pair of suede or leather Chelsea boots! A sore head and a winning betting slip the next morning (hurrah! I won a whole £21!). I am even starting to recognise some of the horses from other races I’ve been to (my favourite is “Ask Dillon”). People are so much friendlier than London, and me and a girlfriend went in sexy equestrian chic outfits, (my riding breeches went down very well!) Many people don’t know that I am a country girl at heart. My dream life is to live in a massive house in the country, raising a few animals, riding horses, and so on, whilst still maintaining my Bond Girl meets Sex Kitten credentials, and still enjoying glamorous London life when it suits. Cheltenham was an absolute blast – I would love to go again. 


Billie x

For the Love of Older Wood.

Yummies! I am becoming OBSESSED with all things mid century. I recently bought my first few mid century pieces – a conscious decision to start researching and investing in furniture that will last forever. I have fallen in love with the mid century era 50s-70s, G Plan, Ladderax, teak, and so on.

I know you will perhaps be reading this, thinking, really?! That old stuff I threw away decades ago, is now “in”? Well… yes! I have spent a long time really trying to find great pieces, travelling all over to visit second hand shops, and of course looking online on Vinterior (my new favourite online shop). So far I have a lamp, and a GORGEOUS side table/TV stand (above left). Can you believe you can purchase a hand made, solid and timeless wood 60’s sidetable for 20% of the price of the HEALS equivalent? The old lady that sent it to me also mentioned it was actually originally made not far from where I am living, and she was pleased it was “coming home”. How lovely, I love the idea of only ever being a custodian of furniture. I’m no Greta Thunberg, but I’ve also started becoming conscious about waste. Why buy an ugly new wooden item, when you can get such a characterful, well crafted older item that already exists and is looking for a home? As you may well be aware, I’m rather partial to a bit of older wood 😉 So my new journey of decorating my apartment suits me very well!

Still to buy: A record cabinet (I have a medium sized record collection), A Danish Ladderax shelving unit, a couple of mid century armchairs, and then one last chair for the bedroom – I’m thinking something more relaxed that can double up as (there’s no polite way of saying this…) sexual apparatus. So… A massive futon style chair (my favourites are by the brand De Sede, below left), or my dream – a Linge Roset Togo Chair with footstool (below right). I have made friends with a few furniture dealers who now send me emails every now and again when something comes in that they think I may like. It’s hard to put into the words the simple joy I get from this process. I love interiors and love aesthetics and making a space look good. 

Although not possible with the space and resources I currently have, below are some examples of my dream home 🙂

William Morris said “Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.” 

Now if that isn’t an endorsement to invite me over, I don’t know what is! 😉

Billie x

“The Massive C.”

Hi Yummies!

How are you?

Providing you’re not frozen to death or running a fever, I’ll assume things could be worse! Have had a hectic week unpacking (nearly there) and am finally settling in. Moving house really reminds you how many things you accumulate over the years. I found myself throwing out entire boxes of miscellaneous things – handbooks for appliances I no longer own, clothes I haven’t worn in 5 years, and so on. I’m one of those people who sees value in everything so it was a tough but necessary process.


Have redirected my mail, joined a gorgeous new gym, and am now ready for the rain to stop and spring to finally arrive. Spring is probably my favourite season, such a beautiful time of year: the time I put away my heavy winter coats and boots in favour of pretty dresses and strappy sandals (although as I type this, the rain pours outside). Spring is the time for sitting out on a terrace with high heels and sunglasses on, drinking too many aperol spritz and eating crab salad (my favourite!) Mount Street Deli used to do the most delicious pre made picnics (shameful for a cook like me to buy a pre made picnic, but they were really good!) that were perfect for bringing to the park for a lazy afternoon. Speaking of cooking, I recently completed a Macaron Masterclass and learned how to make these tricky little delicacies. Like so many things in life, it’s all about the detail. The class was outside London, and would you believe I got home and realised only then that I’d left all the macarons I had painstakingly made, back there in the fridge! Annoying, but I was secretly glad as it’s a dangerous thing for the waistline to be home alone with box of macarons, during a time of such  national angst.#


Should I perish suddenly and ungracefully, it would be remiss of me not to mention The Massive “C” (no, “The Massive C” is not a euphemism for your penis – I’m talking about coronavirus of course!). I default to a “things could always be worse” attitude at times like this. I’m seeing a dystopian future where perhaps you and I get quarantined together and have to survive a decade on a meagre diet of pasta bake and sex (so basically, a bit like University). Ocado has sent me a typically British email letting me know that the nation has gone mad, so I best order my smoked salmon and almond milk asap, before everything runs out and we resort to cannibalising each other.


So far I have taken the following measures:


1. Stockpiling chocolate (more as a coping mechanism).

2. Using a balaclava as a face mask (entering banks and jewellery shops is becoming difficult).

3. Pretending I’ve got a fever in order to get a train carriage to myself.

4. Washing hands with vodka (then licking it off, which perhaps defeats the purpose but at least gets you pissed, which is the international cure for everything).

5. Maintaining an absolutely infantile sense of humour about the whole thing in order to cover up my sense of unstoppable and impending doom.


Okay… so the TRUTH is, I have bought some extra food.

Well, because everyone else is doing it (as far as basic supply and demand goes, that’s reason enough) and because I imagine it’s realistic that theres a possibility I could be home for a couple of weeks, should things go badly wrong. That archaic way of shopping: “Ye Olde Weekly Shoppe” isn’t something I really do anymore. I normally buy just a couple of days in advance at most, as dinners, travel, and life often get in the way and mean if I buy too much I’ll waste a lot. Don’t really want to end up in the position where I’m living on Soy Sauce and optimism, so I’ve caved in and bought myself a big bag of rice and some tins (don’t laugh at me!)

It’s been so long since I updated and I’ve barely had a quiet moment. Have been really enjoying the theatre (4x last month), ballet (went to a fantastic gala), and film (loved “The Gentleman”, double-loved “1917”). Have lots of upcoming travel plans and foodie adventures so I’m looking forward to ticking more items off my bucket list. It’s also been lovely to see you (yes you!) A wondeful start to the year, and I can honestly say, such impressively consistent and exhilarating dates with intelligent, kind, and generous people. Whether we met for the first time, or the thirty first, a big thankyou for such a wonderful couple of months.



This blog is becoming too long and anyway I’ve got a shipping container of tinned peaches arriving within the hour, so that’s all for now.


See you soon in my new bunker! 😉


Billie x


In the City
In a starched blouse
No bra,
Skin tight jeans in indigo
Sauntering through Waitrose in
Six inch stilettos
Avoiding all eye contact
Ticking things off my list
Bending over frequently.

I am conjuring up a revolution
Half way between “Organic” and the Delicatessen.

I could smell you before I saw you:
Tom Ford Oud Wood
And cigar smoke:
Old school.

You lean over me and your hand lingers in front of the Decaf
Moves swiftly upwards to the Arabica beans
Causing your shirt cuff to fall back and reveal a
Jaeger LeCoultre Reverso
Fastened around a
Hairy wrist.

I already know I can’t resist you
As I turn and
Intensely into
Nervous grey eyes that
Between my face and my breasts and
You’re starting to sweat.

Beads of sweat
Sprout from your forehead like
You wipe it of hastily and I
Observe a
Patch under your arm.

It’s peculiar really,
There is something
Inexplicably appealing about how
You are.

You have a life I could
From your 6:30am
Double espresso
To your
10pm nightcap whilst watching the news

I bet
You like your curry mild
Your wine French
Your holidays to the Almalfi
And the same man has been
Cutting your hair for
Sixteen and a half years.
You want a dog,
A girlfriend,
And to restore a classic car,
Don’t have the time
As you
Work too hard.

You are West London.
Chinos, leather soles, Hermes cufflinks, platinum watch, razorcut, silver hair that’s balding up top, and a Ferragamo belt
Straining slightly
Below three or four years of excessive Scotts and Nobu.

I go first

“I’m Billie…”
(And I am a slave to lust.

And I would let you fuck me right here
And I’d beg you for it but
You look like the type with a
Perfectly respectable
Reputation to keep.)

You reach for your card
I stop you and hand you mine.

“…your future ex wife.”

You laugh and
Your dentist is good
A couple crowns round back
Three little spots of blood
On your shirt where
You’ve cut yourself shaving
I think you’re the type to
Call me Princess
Stroke my hair and
I’m a
Glutton for punishment.

You take the card,
And in the process
Drop the coffee.
Retrieving it you
Avoid the smell
Emanating from me.
Like an animal;
I am heaving with



Desperately trying to leave
This honey trap
Before another one of these
All knowing
Grey haired devils
Tries to tempt me.

They are everywhere
A collective Medusa
Just when
Finished one off in your head,
Five others appear;
Brown leather briefcases, TAG Heuers, Tie pins, Fitbits, Square rimmed glasses, Pinstripes, Liberty print, Bentley keyrings, Smythson wallets, iPhones, Polo Ralph Lauren, GANT, Trollies full of expensive wine and cote de beuf, they buy smoked salmon, Montrachet, asparagus, mustard. Some are balding, some are grey,
Some are looking discretely but
Most aren’t.

Deep pockets
Can’t hide
Shallow desires.

Christ, I love the coffee aisle in Waitrose,

But I don’t care much for coffee.

I’m ticking off
Dark chocolate
From my list
Thinking about Mr Jaeger LeCoultre
And contemplating
The exotic
Of middle aged
I’ve long since
Soaked through my thong so
It’s a taxi home
Until the next time
Find an excuse to be
Stranded in
In the City
At 18:14.


E2 (goodbye) – W1 (hello)

Moving this week and wow – moving is SO STRESSFUL! Trying (and failing) my best to be organised and systematic. From downsizing your wardrobe, to buying new furniture, to spending hours on hold trying to switch your broadband, to cleaning out your spice rack and realising the paprika you’ve been using passed it’s sell by date in 2017 (not really!), I can see why most people just stay in the same house forever. Still, looking forward to a new neighbourhood, and hopefully new friends once I’m settled in Marylebone. Feeling excited! Thankyou to everyone who made my dream move possible… How lucky I am to spend my time with such kind and generous gentlemen!


Currently needing to half furnish my new place and have decided to invest in my first high quality vintage pieces. There are so many beautiful things out there, and I particularly like the mid century modern style, so that’s what I’m going for.


If you wanted to help with my move I would be exceptionally grateful! Most useful for me would be a gift card for either Vinterior (where I am sourcing most of my vintage things) or John Lewis:


Thanks so much for being patient. Patience is a virtue and one that will be most definitely rewarded by me. All will be back to usual (well, things could never be usual… but you know what I mean) within the next few days.


Can’t wait to see you soon,


Big kisses!

Billie x

Billies Kitchen: from Mexico to Vietnam.

Hey yummies! Won’t trouble you with the crazy week I’m having. The good news is I have the keys to my new place and am hoping to move in next week. I will write another post with further details but I would like to ask that you are patient with me during this time. The new apartment is bigger and nicer but I am still searching for the details and furniture, so it may be a little sparse for the first couple of weeks (sparse meaning no bedside tables and so on – rest assured it will still be comfortable and there will be wine! haha)


In the meantime I have been rustling up some delicious creations in the kitchen as usual! This was my first time making Vietnamese summer rolls. It’s very tricky to wrap them, so they were a little rough round the edges, but were still very delicious. I added some edible flowers, raw veg, prawns and a little five spice and coriander. I’m not fully convinced by this recipe, perhaps because I used hoi sin sauce which overpowered everything… I shall work on the recipe and try again in the future.


The next two images are my own recipe that I made today. I now have the ability to walk through the supermarket and pick up ingredients in an ad hoc way, making up a recipe as I go along, which is what I did for this delicious little lunch dish. Tomato and buratta tacos, with red pepper and almond pesto, spring onions, and topped with olive oil, oregano, and a little smoked chilli. Now I’m not one to blow my own trumpet (I’d much rather blow yours!) but this was an excellent creation and despite my usual self critical nature, I would not change anything if I were to repeat it. I was going to add blood orange for acidity and sweetness, but I forgot to add it and I’m glad I did. I like this taco idea and it’s my first time making them. Tomorrow I will attempt pulled chicken katsu tacos with pak choi and sesame (another recipe I have imagined). I cant wait to be in my bigger kitchen so I can really enjoy my cooking. Perhaps you’ll agree to taste some of my creations when you visit?!


See you soon – big kisses everywhere!


Billie x

Billie Visits: Berry Bros and Rudd

"Never waste a good wine on a bad mood."

- A quote from my favourite Sommelier

Buying a special bottle of wine and decided to stop in to Berry Bros for some advice. This was my first time in this beautiful, historic shop, that I pass on more than a twice weekly basis and always promise myself I must pop in to. It’s one of those quintessentially British shops – what can be more British than over priced alcohol and pretence (joke!). This place was founded in 1698! To think of all the people who have walked the same steps I did: King George, Lord Byron, and of course the most regal of them all – me!


I really appreciate that feeling of continuity. There’s something very reassuring about brands and places that have stood the test of time. Berry brothers has over 4000 wines for sale – meaning you could have a different wine every day for a decade and still not finish them all. Anyway this is starting to sound like I’m becoming a Berry Brothers official spokesman, but I’d really recommend stopping by. Despite having been to some incredible places, I often get a feeling of apprehension before entering new places. I think they call it “imposter syndrome”. That feeling that maybe you don’t belong there and everyone will laugh at you. Silly I know! I needn’t have worried, they showed me great hospitality and invited me to their fine wine room (locked with fingerprint entry) to show me the fine selection. Wow! Still at the stage where I’d have to remortgage my flat or sell a kidney to afford some of these, but I can only dream to one day be able to crack open some of the truly special vintages.


My wine story is a short and sweet one. I didn’t touch alcohol until 23 years old. I’m not sure why, it just never interested me, but rest assured I’ve been making up for lost time! The first wine I ever loved was a Riesling that I had at the restaurant Pied a Terre. I was amazed! Slightly sweet and with that typical petrol Riesling taste. Since then I’ve branched out in every direction and could name a wine I like from most countries. I don’t know that I have the most sophisticated palate yet, I think that comes with time and experience, but I also really enjoy Rioja, Malbec, Gavi, Sauvignon Blanc (£10.99 New Zealand Villa Maria with the screw top is my go to “fridge door wine”!). I’m starting to enjoy the bigger and more prestigious wines (hilariously autocorrect just tried to change “prestigious” into “pretentious”! Admittedly it’s a fine line…). Currently a truly epic old bottle of red is wasted on me, as I’m just not there yet with my palate, but some of my favourite dates have been wine tastings where I can try a little of everything, including some delicious reds. A good sommelier is such a skilled person. I have a massive crush on one of the Berry Brothers Masters of Wine (any man with “Master” in his official job title becomes immediately sexy to me haha!) I love how they can say such precise things like “this wine tastes of burnt beetroot, cut grass and liquorice” and that feeling of wonder and ecstasy when you realise YES! That’s EXACTLY what it tastes like!


I would love to visit the great regions and spend weeks doing wine tours (“wine tour” = posh term for a piss up in France – not that I’m complaining!). I was recently introduced to Sauternes Chateau d’Yquem, the Rolls Royce of Sauternes… yum! I absolutely love cheese and it goes so nicely paired with a pungent blue cheese and nothing else. So delicious, tastes heavenly! Apparently with this Sauternes they do not simply pick the bunches of grapes, they go around the whole vineyard individually picking only the best and most ready single grapes to use. Only the French (and possibly the Japanese) are capable of something so painstakingly refined. Amazing to think that to make my glass, every single grape was specifically chosen to be there. Another dessert wine I really enjoy was introduced to me by a gentleman who lives in Hungary. Tokaj, a Hungarian dessert wine, which is a little more malty depending on which one you get, and is a delight paired with dark chocolate. I’ve also enjoyed British sparkling wine (after we leave the EU we better get used to it haha, say hello to a constant diet of gin and potatoes!) and find English sparkling it to be delicious, but… not quite champagne! One of my guilty indulgences (not to be consumed more than once a month) is good champagne with bad food. I first discovered this combination in a restaurant where a sommelier recommended we try champagne and fried chicken(!) The immediate reaction is… absolutely not! But the combination of a crisp, dry, ice cold champagne, with salty fatty food is soooo good! Open a bottle with your Friday night takeaway and you will be amazed, and the whole meal immediately has a decadent modern day Henry VIII type feel to it! I know what you’re thinking. KFC and Krug? Really Billie!?!?! Yes really. Let’s do it!


You bring the wine I’ll bring something to nibble on 😉 See you soon!


Big kiss,

Billie x

Six Smooth Songs

Favourite lyric:

“You’d kill yourself for recognition; kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror; you’re turning into something you are not”


I love because:

The piano arrangement is gorgeous.

Favourite lyric:

“Let there be wind
An occasional rain
Chile con carne
Sparkling champagne”


I love because:

This is the perfect song to listen to during any romantic moment. An unparalleled classic.

Favourite lyric:

“A man needs something he can hold onto
Nine-pound hammer or a woman like you
Either one of them things will do”



I love because:
He writes his own lyrics and has such a beautiful voice.

Favourite lyric:

“When your belly’s empty, the hunger’s so real
You’re too proud to beg, you’re too dumb to steal”


I love because:

The arrangement is simple and perfect. Plus, there’s something pretty special about someone singing a Sting song, back to Sting, better than he originally sang it. 

Favourite lyric:

“Sometimes, even the good things get lost along the way
I had to let you go, but I wanted you to stay”


I love because:

I’m a big fan of acoustic versions of my favourite dance songs.

Favourite lyric:

“Just as hate knows love’s a cure
You can rest your mind assured
That I’ll be lovin’ you always”


I love because:

It’s impossible not to love!

Billie Takes On: Le Cordon Bleu

Hi yummies!


January has begun in great style, with a fantastic trip overseas to [Country name redacted due to Official Secrets Act] somewhere I hadn’t visited before which has already become one of my all time favourite places (I know, I say that about everywhere!). The environment, the food and the history of [City Name Redacted due to Official Secrets Act] were second to none, but as we both know, it’s people that truly make a place, so luckily for me, my company was second to none.


Started my course at Le Cordon Bleu, and am LOVING IT. I am starting to think “you only live once, take the Grand Diploma”, but I simply don’t have the time right now as some of you may know I am still getting my advanced PT and Nutritionist qualifications. Have already learned so much on my course and am irritated at myself for having not pushed myself further, sooner. I am currently a very good home cook, but everything I do is based on intuition- a bit like an artist or musician with raw talent but no classical training. I can make a stock, I can butcher a chicken, but its all… a little bit “Billie Style”. This course is teaching me finesse, and classic skills. I have so much respect for all things traditional, and am getting so much pleasure from learning in such a quality, historic institution.


Anyway, I’ll save the rest of the details for our date – see you soon x


Bis kiss!

Billie x

An Ode To Champagne

From my lips and
Reach my
Fingertips like
The very worst
But first
Cultivate the best in me,
Artful and arresting
Sinful and suggesting,
My affliction
And my anodyne
Nor brandy
As if a gift
From Gods above me-
It’s fizz that loves me
Fizz that fucks me
Fickle fizz that’s worth my time.
Fickle fizz can make
The dullest dinner sparkle as you dine.

Fizz will never leave you
Fizz will delude and deceive you
Fizz will galvanize the glory days and
Guide you through
The times of grief too.
Oh I love you
Oh I need you
Trust you and believe you,
Must you make a fool of me?
I gratefully
Receive you.

I am proud
And I am confident
Have you on my arm
I love
Your class,
Your cool,
Chivalry, your
Candid classic charm.

I’ve had Prosecco in a penthouse
I’ve swigged Cava in a car
Yes, of course I’ve tasted others,
They’ve been
But no cigar.
I raise a
Toast to you
I’m lost in you
You glorious and gentle beast
You graceful and gregarious
Hilarious and


And as I drain the final drop,
And as we take our final kiss,
I wait ‘til you are gone and
Flirting with
The cocktail list.