P.A. Fantasy (part 2)

20201021_175614
20200714_193625

(Long Read)

Part 2: The Contract.

He steps towards me, towering over me even in my heels and pulls me by my waist towards him. Our bodies pressed against each other, we kiss deeply and passionately.

 

Just as Mr Hardigain is hastily removing his jacket there’s a knock at the door, and it slowly opens.

 

I jump towards the table and take a seat, legs crossed and pretending to flick through my emails, milliseconds before a well-dressed gentleman enters with a briefcase, and a folder overflowing with paperwork. His glasses are slightly crooked and there’s an air of acute frustration about him.

 

“A bloody liberty that’s what this is!” he exclaims, glaring at the both of us “I’ve got three cases on at the minute, one very serious fraud and two mega deals with the Russians and you… you’ve got me HERE!” his hand shakes with rage and a few sheets of paper escape and fall to the floor “You’ve got me here AGAIN Willie, because YOU cant keep your goddamn willie in your pants!!!!!”

 

He strides to the table and slams down the folder.

 

I sit there in silence, confused as to what’s going on. I glance at one of the loose sheets of paper on the floor and recognise the name on the letter header. Surely this cant be THE Kenneth Lingwood? I think to myself. Not Lingwood the famous contract lawyer? The one who’s famously never lost a case (but settled many out of court, obviously). Why on earth would he be –

“I’ve got 5 minutes to look at the document Willie” he says impatiently, glancing at a tatty old Cartier watch on his wrist “and I’m only doing this as a favour because we go way back. This goes tits up and you’re on your own.”

 

He glances at me with a curious mix of disgust and pity.

 

Mr Hardigain hands him a single page of printed A4 paper, a little too far away for me to be able to clearly read it. Lingwood adjusts his glasses and peers over it, a pen hovering over each line as he slowly reaches the bottom. Finally he finishes.

 

“Is this it?” he asks

“Yes” replies Mr Hardigain “Is it airtight?”

“This is…” Lingwoods voice cracks, seemingly unable to control his outrage “This is one of the most… legally spurious, perverse contracts I have ever… I have ever…”

“- is it airtight?” Hardigan interjects, cooly.

“Well as you bloody well know” Lingwood lowers his voice to a whisper and turns his back to me “If she signs this of course it’s airtight but….” I listen intently but can only hear the odd word or phase “enforceable… but… NDA… need a bloody therapist… Geneva convention… I will not be witness… end of my career… remember that girl… no judge would… Jesus Christ…” and then finally “does SHE even know about all this?”

 

They both turn to face me. I stare back earnestly, trying to figure out what on earth is happening. I muster a smile, which neither of them returns.

 

“It’s…” Mr Lingwood begins gathering up his paperwork “Willie… It’s what you need it to be.”

He strides towards the door, pauses for a moment then doubles back and hands me his card. “Good luck!” he exclaims, before turning on his heel and leaving.

 

The moment the door shuts I get to my feet.

“What was all that?” I ask “Is this? What’s going on? As your Personal Assistant, I demand to be-“

“Lingwood” Mr Hardigain says calmly “Is an old friend of mine. I… I just needed someone to look over your work contract before you sign, just to check everything is er… legally… er… legal.”

“Why wouldn’t it be legal?” I ask, letting out a nervous laugh.

“If you just sign, then we can finish your first day early. I’ll send you home for the rest of the day on full pay and of course, please have the things I’ve asked for ready by tomorrow.”

 

Mr Hardigain puts down the single sheet of A4 paper, and a Mont Blanc pen. He slides it towards me and I see for the first time, what appears to be the outlines of a basic contract. I pick up the pen (lovely pen) and skim read the page, my eyes widening with more and more shock at every line. The page reads:

 

“23/10/2020

I ________________ do hereby enter a contract with Mr Willie B Hardigain.

This contract states that I _________________ must

  • Always wear high heeled stilettos and silk stockings whilst in the office environment.
  • When not in an office environment must always be wearing matching lingerie under clothing in either lace or silk.
  • I must provide the following services to My Hardigain within 10 minutes of him having requested:
    1. Oral sex (including but not limited to: blowjobs, rim jobs, ball sucking, deepthroat, and cock worship).
    2. Massages (including but not limited to: back and shoulder massage, deep tissue massage, scalp massage, and foot rub.
    3. Deep and passionate French kissing with tongues, kissing and affection, both in public and private environments.
    4. Full penetrative sex. Both vaginal and anal, in all possible positions, in private environments, hotel rooms, the office after hours, company car etc.
    5. Be willing to groped both clothes and fully nude, in all positions, in any private environment.
  • Fully naked photos must be sent to Mr Hardigain twice weekly so he can be sure I _____________ am staying in shape.
  • Must have a current valid British passport and be able to travel at 12 hours notice, anywhere in the world.
  • Must in no uncertain terms, share the contents of this contract with any third parties, media outlets, friends, family members, or anyone other than the other person stated in this contract.
  • Must have a manicure and pedicure at all times, must work out a minimum of twice a week, must keep up to date on all news, politics, and current affairs.
  • Must not engage in excessive complaining, nagging or otherwise bothering Mr Hardigain during working hours, unless it is a work matter, or the matter pertains to something mentioned in this contract.
  • Plan all itineraries for business travel, including flights, transfers, hotels and restaurant reservations, entertainment, theatre tickets and any other particulars.
  • Must maintain a fully monogamous relationship with Mr Willie B Hardigain, maintaining an outwardly modest demeanour, and not relieving yourself of any sexual gratification that is not at the hands of Mr Willie B Hardigain, or yourself.
  • Must dress appropriately at all times:
    1. A classy and sophisticated designer office wardrobe. Skirts above the knee and trousers are not permitted in the office.
    2. In private environments must have a full selection of lingerie in lace and silk, fetish outfits, and uniforms
    3. If 11 a) or b) are not adhered to, you will be sent home to change
 

Every day in the Hardigain office is a new adventure. However, the following Schedule must be adhered to:

  • 7-7:30am massage and or/oral sex performed on Mr Hardigain
  • Lunch hour and business lunches: You must relieve Mr Hardigain during business lunches. You will have to find creative ways in which to do so without arising suspicion. He will instruct.
  • Board meetings: You must relieve Mr Hardigain after board meetings. He will instruct.
  • After hours: After hours at the office you must perform an erotic strip tease for Mr Hardigain, whereafter he will instruct you on how best to please him.
  • Weekends: Mr Hardigain will occasionally need you on weekends and private holidays. You must make yourself available.
 

All costs incurred in maintaining this contract will be covered by Mr Willie B Hardigain. Your budget will correlate with your progress and dedication to your job, which will be plotted in monthly progress reports. Should you breach contract yet wish to remain in contract, suitable punishments will be arranged at the discretion of Mr Hardigain.

 

This is a non-negotiable contract. Should you wish not to sign this contract, your temporary contract as a Personal Assistant will terminate immediately and you will no longer be an employee at Hardigain investments, and will have no future opportunity to join this company, nor any subsidiary companies or partnered companies at a later date. In the interest of discretion, you will also be blacklisted form working in the City, with no view to having this blacklist removed at a future date. If and when you decide to leave this contract, should you do so after more than 1 year (365 days) employment you will be given a generous severance, providing you sign a Non Disclosure Agreement. Should you refuse an NDA, you will be….”

 

My eyes widen to the size of saucers at the final line

 

“…Prosecuted for the sexual harassment of Mr Willie B Hardigain”

 

I look up from the contract, a massive fake grin spreading across my face, and let out a fake, girly giggle.

 

“You’re so funny” I laugh “I can tell you’re going to be really fun to work for with a sense of humour like that! Everyone says you’re a really funny gu-“

“It’s not a joke and I’m now running late for my next meeting so how about you sign the contract, and you can start properly tomorrow” says Mr Hardigain, prickling with impatience.

 

“I…” The smile drops from my face “I mean… this can’t be serious as serious contract! I… I mean, oral sex? What are you talking about? Stockings? And If… then… if I… you try and prosecute ME? Mr Haridgain… Do I look desperate to you?” I ask, with all the attitude I can muster.

 

“Yes.” He replies curtly. “You took an Uber pool to work and I’ve already run a credit check. Thirty grand worth of student debt, 4 credit cards, a shopping habit you can’t afford and your landlord is trying to evict you.”

 

I stand there mouthing wordlessly, absolutely stunned.

 

“Mr Hardigain. Let me tell you a story. I grew up in-“

“No” he interrupts, rudely “No we’re not going to do this crying begging poor me poor life bullshit. I’ve been there before and they all sign in the end. I can improve your prospects expeditiously so either sign the contract or get out.”

 

The room is swallowed by a deafening silence.

 

I reach for the Mont Blanc and pause – my pen hovering over the page, over my future in The City. I take a deep breath, exhale, and…

 

Sign the contract; my palm sweating and my underwear suddenly damp.

 

“Good. Now pull your skirt down.”

 

Well, I think to myself, it’s not my fault if I’m contractually obliged.

I do as I’m told and Mr Hardigain approaches me, sliding his hand under my silk panties and between my legs. His fingers return soaking wet.

 

“That’s what I like…”  he says, hastily unzipping his trousers and pushing me to my knees. Before I’ve had a chance to catch my breath, he shoves his hard cock into my mouth – pulling my head down onto him, the tip of his cock pushed deep in the back of my throat. He cums in my mouth within seconds then pulls out.

 

Unsure what to do, and embarrassed to have enjoyed it, I swallow and get to my feet, trying to look elegant as I put my skirt back on.

 

Mr Hardigain has taken a seat and watches me get dressed.

 

“Swallow was not in the contract Billie, but I’m pleased with your effort! I’ll have your company card arranged for tomorrow morning. Remember,” he says, folding my contract in half and handing it to me “7am tomorrow for the… er… massage.”

 

I nod silently.

“I can’t wait to have you sat on my cock” he says, casually, picking up his briefcase. “Anyway, I have to dash Billie – tomorrow – 7am. Don’t be late, or you will be punished.”

 

 

The next morning I awake at exactly 5:30am, giving myself plenty of time to get ready for Mr Hardigain and arrive at the office on time.

 

As I’m drying my hair, I switch on the radio and hear a chirpy “Now remember folks, clocks went forward last night so it’s been one less hour in bed. This is Pete Mackey reporting for Talk FM, at 6am of shall I say, 7am on Tuesday the 29th….”

 

I gasp. My heart skips three beats, a knot turning in the pit of my stomach. My iPhone smashed last week, and unable to afford the repair, I was forced to buy a much cheaper handset. A cheaper handset which clearly doesn’t update for daylight saving time. Oh no!

 

Panic stricken, I throw on whatever clothes I have to hand and head straight to work, arriving 45mins late, my lipstick smudged and my shirt un-ironed. I hurry through the office, avoiding the disapproving glances of my colleagues and head straight for Mr Hardigains office.

 

I enter, close the door, and immediately begin trying to explain

“I am soooo so sorry, what happened was my phone, I had the new iPhone but then-“

 

“Not another word.”

 

Mr Hardigain is sat behind his desk, breathing heavily through his nose, his neck red with anger. “What I need…” he explains calmly “Is for you to pull down your skirt and bend over this desk.”

 

He stands up to watch me do it.

Embarrassed, I pull down my short (oops!) skirt, and bend over the desk, realising that in my haste, I’ve forgotten to put underwear on.

 

To be continued….!

B x

 

I Hate Birthdays.

Seriously! Birthdays have traditionally been a time of acute misery for me. This year something different – wonderful feelings, experiences and gifts from friends and of course… you! Thank you so much for making my day special. I’m like an elephant (only a fraction of the size, no tusks, better legs etc…) where was I going with this? Oh yes – I never forget a kind gesture. Thanks for making this year unforgettable.

Love Billie xxx

20201021_230656
20201021_192945

Blooms and Blossoms

A tricky week, culminating with my Birthday plans falling apart. Alas – first world problems but I didn’t imagine I’d be spending my birthday only with people from my household (note: I AM the entirety of my household!) Anyway, what doesn’t kill you, drives you closer to accepting the things you can’t change. Thanks to some lovely gentlemen in my life for cheering me up with the most stunning flower arrangements!

B xxxx

P.A. Fantasy

MK_02300-v1
20201015_210928

(Long read)

This is an erotic fantasy I’ve written that explores the themes of power dynamic and submission. Not for the easily offended or faint of heart. This fantasy is a bit of fun – something I enjoyed writing!

P.A. Fantasy:

 

It’s Monday, 7:45am and I have just finished getting ready for my first day at the office. I have opted for a slim black pencil skirt, a pink silky blouse, and a pair of shiny Jimmy Choo stilettos, with a smart leather handbag. My square rimmed glasses perched on my nose, and shiny red lipstick to match my manicure. It is my first day working as a Personal Assistant for Willie B. Hardigain, CEO of Interlink Investors. This isn’t quite what I expected myself to be after a 1st from Kings and a graduate programme, but needs must in the current economic climate. Truth be told I’m two months behind on my rent and my credit card is almost maxed. Still, no excuse for not being fabulous – I apply a second flush of red Chanel lipstick, and put it into my handbag, along with my lunch (packed lunch as money a bit tight right now) and some paperwork. As I open my Uber Taxi app, a little pop-up appears on the screen:

 

“NEW! Try UberPool today. Share a taxi and save up to 25% on your journey!”

 

Never one to miss a bargain, I book myself an UberPool, and 4 minutes later I am on my way to the office in a black Toyota Prius with tinted windows. Just as I am heading through the City, the taxi drivers sat nav lights up, and we stop just outside of Liverpool Street station to pick up another passenger. I move my Mulberry bag off the empty seat, and a smartly dressed gentleman aged around 45 enters the taxi. “I’m just going to St Pauls-” he says to the driver, without looking at me. He takes his seat and glances over.

 

“Err-“ he starts, talking to my shoes for some reason “Hey… er… hello. I’m Ben, RBS. Who do you work for then?”
“I’m with Willie B. Hardigain, just starting today” I reply, feeling a little awkward.
“Ah, I started at Hardigains a long time ago… Will open many doors for you. If you…”
He trails off, staring at my top. Confused, I look down to realise I haven’t buttoned up properly, and to my horror, the top of my red silk bra is on full display, with my areolas peeking over the red chantilly lace trim.

 

“Oh my-!” I hastily button myself up, feeling suddenly hot and embarrassed. I look over to Ben and can’t help but notice a little peak slowly rising and falling in his smart navy blue suit trousers. He inches closer towards me on the seat and runs his hand up my right leg. I frown at him, offended, and to slide further left towards the door. Inch by inch I move across the seat, until I can’t move any further, and have my back to the door, legs crossed tightly, glaring at him, yet tingling with excitement. He leans forward and runs his hand up my stockings, stopping when he reaches the smooth skin of my upper leg.

 

“Now really! Haha! Stop doing that- this is really so inappropria-“ I trail off, breathlessly, as I feel his fingers between my legs, gently massaging me through my silk knickers. He leans forward so his face is only millimetres from mine.

 

“I know Hardigain.” He says “We go way back. It would be a shame, a real shame, if your career in the City ended before it began.”
He moves his fingers further back between my legs and towards my bottom
“Wouldn’t it?”
I sit there, not daring to speak, as he unzips his trousers and begins stroking his cock. The radio is on full volume and the Uber driver is glued to his sat nav, unaware of what’s going on in the back seat of the car.
“Lie down” Ben commands.
Embarrassed, but excited, I lie on the back seat, and he kneels over my body, one leg on either side of my perfectly pressed silk blouse.
“Suck my cock” he says, looking me in the eye.
“Ben… I am sorry but I am NOT that sort of woman. I don’t care where you went to school or who your friends are or who you think you are. You are a misogynistic! This isn’t the 80s! Women in the city have the same right to be here and I am going to-“
Before I can finish, he stuffs his pulsing cock down my throat, thrusting violently, then pulling out and using the tip to smear my red lipstick all over my face and nose. I can’t help but secretly enjoy it as he pinches my nose, making me gag and gasp for air.


“You love that don’t you?” he asks, pushing deeper down my throat and making my eyes water “Call me “Boss” when I’m using your mouth”
“Yes Boss,” I reply, feeling a wetness building up between my legs. He leans back and pulls up my pencil skirt, revealing my silk knickers, and embarrassingly, the large damp wet patch at the front where I’ve soaked through them.


“Lie on your front” he says. Obediently I turn and lie on my front, and feel him pull my knickers to one side, and rub himself between my bum cheeks. I begin gently rubbing back against him, and a few moments later, I feel him grabbing my ass, and a warm trickle as he cums all over my bum. He moves back, pulls up his Calvins and zips his trousers back up, just before the Uber slows down at his St Pauls. Without a word, he exists the taxi, and I watch him stride towards his office, glancing at his watch.

 

Business as usual.

 

As I reapply my lipstick, pouting into my compact mirror, the drivers sat nav begins flashing again, and just a few streets later, the taxi stops in front of an old beautiful bank. For crying out loud! I’m going to be late if we keep stopping like this. The door swings open, and out strides a much older gentleman, a tatty briefcase and a copy of the Financial Times in one hand. He approaches the car, enters, sits down and looks over at me. “You must be freezing-“ he says- pointing at my skirt.

 

Oh no! I’ve completely forgotten to pull back down my skirt, and my stockings suspender belt and soaking silk knickers are in full view! “Oh my God I am really so sorry. It’s such a long story, I just… sorry” I smile apologetically, struggling to get my tight skirt back down in such a confined space.
“Well,” he says, in a deep rumbling voice “I think, you deserve a spanking for being so naughty, don’t you?”
Still so horny from my last encounter, I hear myself saying, without really thinking “Yes, yes I do Boss”. I bend over the seat and wait… and wait… and then finally a large firm hand stings my bottom from behind. I feel my bum getting hot after 10 or so spankings, and then, without warning one of his fingers slowly entering me from behind. Shocked, I squeal with pleasure, spreading my legs so he can go deeper. As he curls his finger upwards, I feel myself getting very wet and about to cum on his finger. Just as I’m nearly there he stops-


“No!!” I plead desperately, my voice barely audible over the car radio “Please don’t stop!!!”
Still sat in the chair, I see him unzipping his suit trousers… and teasing his hard cock out from the fly. Immediately, I move towards him, uncontrollable horny, and jump on top, facing him and riding him as he kisses me passionately and plays with my breasts. He grabs my bum and begins bouncing me on top, rocking me backwards and forwards. The car in front stops suddenly, and our taxi has to break at the last minute before a red light. The car lurching forward causes him to thrust deep inside me, and I scream out loud with ecstasy, and a second later, holding me down and pushing into me he cums deep inside of me, moaning out loud and squeezing my bum. I collapse on his chest, kissing his neck as he strokes my hair.

 

What an eventful first day at work!

 

The taxi rolls towards the Gherkin and stops.
“Remember to pull your skirt down bad girl!” he says, grinning as he zips up, and then exits the car.
The Uber driver is looking at me in the mirror, slightly confused as to why my makeup is messed up. Luckily, I manage to get myself straightened up and begin looking through my notes to make sure I am prepared for my first meeting. Only seconds from my destination, the sat nav begins flashing again and the car slows down!

 

Right… well… have some self restraint Billie, I tell myself, tentatively waiting for the door to open. To my complete surprise it’s-

 

“Mr Hardigain!!!” I exclaim, anxiously as my new boss gets into the car. Straightening up my glasses on my nose, I try my best not to appear nervous. “Billie!” he replies “What are the odds- are you prepared for our 12:45?”
“Oh yes Mr Hardigain I am. I was thinking, if we go in for anything less than 4% they’re going to know we’re keen to sell and try to drive the price even further down, so if we start at around 7 or 8%, the Chinese won’t want to risk… Um, Mr Hardigain??
Mr Hardigain is making it very obvious he isn’t listening, and has moved his leg ever so slightly across the seat to rub against mine.
“You are one sexy little minx” he says, looking me up and down, my stocking-clad legs crossed conservatively, leading down towards my extra shiny stilettos “Now I remembered why I hired you. You leave the negotiations to me, your job is to make sure I’m… nice and relaxed for meetings. Do you understand?”

 

“I think so Mr Hardigain. But you should know I have a first from Kings and…”
“- Every morning I want you in the office half an hour early. I will tell you what to wear. I will tell you what to do. I will tell you when to swallow when to lick my arse when to ride me and when to give me a massage and when to bend over and when stay still. Do. You. Understand?”
Shocked, I feel the wet patch and the front of my silk knickers spreading.
“Yes. Yes Mr Hardgain. Yes I do.”
“Good. So bend over and stay still.”
I manoeuvre myself in my tight pencil skirt and bend over. I feel his hands rolling my skirt up, over my stockings, then suspenders, then over my bum. I feel him grabbing my bum and jiggling it about.
“You want a fucking promotion?” he asks, two fingers gently resting on my clit “well how does Executive Personal Assistant with company car sound?” he asks. “A nice Mercedes S-Class with a driver?”
“Oh Mr Hardigain! Thankyou… that would be so lovely!”
“Well you’re going to fucking earn it Billie. Now beg me for a promotion-”


He moves my now soaking silk knickers to one side and begins doggying me very roughly in the back of the car, my face pressed hard against the seat. With sufficient motivation, I find myself to be very good at begging indeed.

 

“Pleaase…” I beg “Please Mr Hardigain… Please… I’m begging you… Please Boss…”
He puts his hands around my neck and begins choking me, going so deep my eyes start to water and my body begins shaking, trying to escape. I fall onto my font, and he climbs on top of me, grabbing my hair and pulling my head back, kissing me roughly and spitting into my mouth. Flattened onto the seat, with his full weight on top of me, I scream out loud, cumming very hard, twice in a row, as he goes harder and deeper, calling me a slut.
“Beg me for my cum” he drags my hair round so I’m facing him
“Please Boss, please can I have your cum. Please-“
I begin licking Mr Hardigains balls as he wanks himself, taking them into my mouth and looking up at him, cheeks stuffed

 

“OH YOU LITTLE… NASTY…”
He says, holding my head onto his cock and cumming down my throat. After he’s finished he keeps my head there, making sure I swallow every drop.
I watch, still aroused, as Mr Hardigain fastens his black leather belt. He pulls out a leather wallet and takes out some notes.
“By Thursday I want you to get some proper stockings. None of this hold up synthetic nonsense, I like silk. And I want a white blouse. Take this.” He hands me some money to buy the things with.
“Thankyou Mr Hardigain,” I say, leaving the taxi behind him and walking towards the office in my smart shiny heels.

 

At 12:45 myself and Mr Hardigain arrive on time at City Social for our client dinner and are directed to the private dining area. We walk in, and I feel prepared and confident about for todays meeting, but… oh no!!!
“Billie, this is Ben Thornton,” he says nodding me towards an all too familiar face. It’s ben from the Uber! Humiliated, and hoping he doesn’t say anything, I shake Bens hand
“Well hello Billie” Ben says, staring at my blouse, “An absolute pleasure to meet you”
“And this is Gregory Pennington” Mr Hardigain says, introducing me to the second older gentleman from the taxi!

 

Surely the world can’t be this small.

 

“Hi Gregory, really nice you could make it” I say, trying not to make eye contact.
“Oh no problem at all” he says, smiling at me “Luckily I got an exceptionally speedy Uber taxi earlier today” He winks at me as I stand there, feeling uncomfortable.

 

“Now Billie,” Mr Hardigain says, locking the door to the dining room and facing me. Ben and Gregory have told me a few interesting things about some skills you have that you appear to have left off your CV-“
I see Ben and Gregory watching me, as Mr Hardigain continues-

 

“We’ve been talking about the distinct lack of female talent in The City, and how fantastic it is that a young upstart like yourself had decided to pursue a career in finance.”

 

I stand there uncomfortably, not saying anything.

 

“Ben and Gregory are going to leave now. We need to have a talk about that… promotion I mentioned before”

 

The two other gentlemen leave the room.

 

“Mr Hardigain, I am so sorry! I’m not sure what they told you but basically it was all one big accident because what happened was, I took an UberPool, it’s this new thing that just came out and then I was in the car and then they got in the car and honestly I’m not the type of person who-”

 

“Here’s what we’re going to do” Mr Hardigain interjects, speaking over me “In order to be my PA I’m going to need you to exercise some bloody self-control. I pick my PA’s very wisely. No more of this ditzy promiscuous nonsense. Let this be an end to it. You will be MY personal assistant and no one else’s. Am I understood?”

 

I prickle with embarrassment.

 

“Yes Mr Hardigain” I reply.

 

He steps towards me, towering over me even in my heels and pulls me by my waist towards him. Our bodies pressed against each other, we kiss deeply and passionately.

 

To be continued…!

 

B x

 

 

Non Starter (Fiction)

6:47pm
Respite from the winter
5 foot 4
Of sin and serendipity and
Self consciousness
Steps into
A bar on the edge of Sloane Square;
Rain rolls down vintage Rovers and redbrick
Rain like constellations garnish
Paving slabs and parquet floors
A
Beautiful part of town.

A man smiles at me and I
Grin foolishly and narrowly miss
Colliding with a
Chair
As I watch him walk away
My shoulders and feet are damp from rain
God I need a-

“Cocktail list, madam?”

The bartender hands me a
Leather bound
Catalogue and I pick

“A G and T with Cotswolds gin? Please.”

You enter the bar and stand to my left
As I
Covertly survey you;
You look how I feel.
And dump a long, cane umbrella and
Rain wrecked briefcase
Under the bar.

A nesting crow in a
Damp rain coat on the
Darkest day in December
Your cuff falls back to reveal an
IWC on your wrist
You are tall
Chinos
Brown leather shoes
Crew neck
Big nose
Sad eyes
Glasses
The waiter returns with my receipt
Just as the moment passes.

“Would you like to open a tab?”
You reach into your pocket and pull out a black slim leather wallet,
(Smythson I think)
glancing at me

“Alright Harry Potter?”
I shoot
Smiling at you
You stand there fiddling uncomfortably with the edge of your glasses.
Then it happened
Jesus finally
Waited 20-something years for this
You deserve
A pat on the head and a BJ:
A sober man
Who looks capable of ironing his own shirts
Decided of his own accord to
Offer to buy me a drink

In the real world.
Must be the lockdown effect.

I turn my shoulder slightly so you
Can’t see,
Get my phone out
And begin typing furiously under the bar
(Very uncool)
My french manicure slamming the screen at
Ludicrous pace
“MARTYNA OMG SUPER HOT DAVID CAMERON TYPE BUYING ME COCKTAILS ON SLOANE SQUARE VERY CONSERVATIVE AND HAS A HARD ON THANK YOU FATHER CHRISTMAS HALLELUJAH!!!!!-“
And press send.

Coolly, I turn to face you;
I suck on my Gin and Tonic and you tell me some things
None of which I think are lies
You are a hotelier
You live in Cambridge
You used to think you were liberal but now you’re
Not so sure
You have three children a grandchild and a dog named Casper
I tell you we shall have to get
Rid of the dog as I am a
Cat person
You tell me Casper is a very sweet natured beast
And
Get out your phone to show me
Photos of a small
Black haired cockapoo
Running around on a beach with its tongue hanging out
“You fancy me because I look like your dog!?”
I ask in a mock-accusatory tone
Grinning at you.

You say you often holiday in Portugal or Monaco and you
Quit drinking 20 years ago so you’re having a soda and
Lime and many years ago
When you were living in the States
One of your
Favourite girlfriends
Looked just like me and
You like my shoes
“But anyway Billie, what are you doing in here by yourself talking to an
Old man,
Where is your boyfriend?”

I imagine having sex with you
As a beautiful thing.

10:36pm
We are walking down Kings Road.
You
Have an umbrella
In one hand and my
Denim clad
Arse in the other

I quite like it.

Suddenly and
Just before we reach The Botanist,
You bottle it,
And hail me a taxi,
“Have a safe journey home, Billie.”
I jump inside
Obediently and wave
Goodbye.

(You
Picked
The road more travelled by).

I watch you slowly disappear:
From a man
To a smudge in the distance,
To an unforgettable and
Regrettable memory,
To a poem

Martyna has text me back a series of smiley faces and love hearts.
“Tell me what’s happening?!” she implores.



I exhale and reply.
“Non starter.”

–B.F

Thoughts and notes on this poem:

 

This is a re-draft of a poem that I wrote maybe 3 years ago. I was reminded of it in a deja-vu type experience, and decided to find it (harder than it sounds – I have poems hand written and drafts here and there in old phones and email accounts, or saved on Word under un-useful and difficult to remember document names like “Document 3”).

 

This poem is about the “sliding doors” moments we’ve had in our lives (I’ve had plenty) where a decision is made, not to start. A “non-starter” in this context of this poem is about dipping your toe into new friendships or relationships. A few times in my life I’ve thought – I wish that thing had progressed. This poem is about the split second decisions we make in life, to choose comfort zones over the unknown, and routine over adventure. “You picked the road more travelled by” is a reference to “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost – he talks about being at a fork in the road, in the woods, and deciding to take “The road less travelled by” the less worn road – as a metaphor for not taking the predictable, common path in life that most people take, and instead doing something different.

 

Unlike Frost, in this poem the spectacled agonist takes the path more chosen by – to stop the adventure in its infancy – or run from it. I really enjoy French cinema, and one of the things I like is how some films stop with no conclusion – you can be in the middle of a scene and then it cuts and the credits roll and that’s it. This is so true to life – not everything gets cleanly wrapped up and concluded – sometimes the story (or rather the lesson) is in the things that don’t happen, not the things that do. I try to build the poem from a micro level of exact times, heights, raindrops, to a macro level of whole whole moments and ideas, and then cut it off, abruptly, as life often does – without the luxury of closure or explanations.

 

The poem is a modern tragedy – an ode to the things we don’t do, and what those things could have been.

 

Billie x

BRAT

A long awaited venture East, to Brat at Climpson’s Arch – a creative offshoot of the Michelin star Brat in Shoreditch.

Velvet crab and duck breasts sizzle in the open air. A special meal – thank you! x

Nurse Billie

Will see you now.

 

Just a quick update on something I already suspected. For my piece of mind and yours, I decided to take a private BUPA antibody test – important to me as I am back globetrotting soon. The results arrived today. I do indeed have the antibodies (a good thing – meaning I have already caught Covid and fought it off, and am likely to now be immune – thanks Cheltenham races!). Thus technically making The Billie experience a holistic medical treatment, and tax deductible expense (or so Boris keeps telling me!)

 

Just thought I would share – I hope you are well, and it’s good news to know I most certainly am!

 

Big kisses,

Billie x

This Week in Bubbles

2008 Thienot at Tokii Restaurant. My first time trying this Champagne house - Delicious!
2002 Pol Roger at home. Very special and a new favourite - thank you!
2012 Moet at (special location redacted due to Official Secrets Act)

Babies first… er… Cleaver!

Who said a masked woman wielding a cleaver can’t be sexy!

Some beautiful Wusthof knives – the best, and my favourites (along with Zwilling). Slowly building up my collection of top quality chefs knives…

 

Thanks for contributing to my new project ❤

Kink Panther

A curated selection of kinky curiosities.

 

No more small talk.

Actions speak louder than words. A ball gag to instantly silence a smart mouth.

Bottoms up.

Pretty jewels to improve even the most perfect of behinds.

 

Bind a Beauty.

Being persuasive isn’t a crime. Take the lead and have things your way, with the help of luxurious leather handcuffs

Crown a Kitten.

Soft or sinful? Bad kitty or playful pussy? It’s the gentlemen’s choice of course.

 

Blown hot and cold.

Luxury toys forged from glass and metal. Serving suggestion: Heated up of cooled down, as per your mood.

Out of sight.

But never out of mind. Inflict the element of surprise.

 

La Dolce Vita

Living la dolce vita, with simple al fresco Italian plates, negronis, and late night espresso with amaretti.

 

I love everything Italian – the culture, and of course the food and the fashion. Some of my most treasured memories have happened in there: Opera at La Scala in Milan, shopping in Rome, fresh sardines on the Amalfi, and Venice – a very special place for me with so many beautiful memories there, and hopefully many more to come. With travel off the cards, I enjoyed a little slice of Italy, via London this evening. Thank you x

Cock Tales, and other Stories.

Purl Bar, Marylebone
Artesian Bar at the Langham

“Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

 

These all too familiar words have been uttered by many a former Catholic School girl – myself included. Sure, back then it was confessions of copied homework and inappropriate underwear (it’s true, one day, so fraught with guilt about a recent purchase at Anne Summers, I did once confess to a priest that I was wearing a push up bra – I’m sure he was delighted!) But todays confession is something even more shameful. I confess…

 

I’ve only just discovered the Negroni.

 

Don’t laugh! I started drinking very late in life, in my early twenties (okay, late in my life relative to how old I am and how old most people are when they start drinking). So I was working as a dancer at the time and was completely teetotal, having never been drunk, never tasted sprits, in fact never had any alcohol other than the rum in my mothers Christmas cake, and however much they put in cherry liqueur chocolates. I was in for a rude and rather embarrassing awakening. Alcohol, I soon found out, can be very fun indeed. I spent the next year as a dancer, trying out all manner of alcohols, absinthe to amaretto, Burgundy to bourbon, rum to Riesling. Anyway a penalty of having been impossibly “good” in my teens, meant that it took me longer to enjoy many drinks – or rather, I have started to enjoy them later than I otherwise would have. I used to hate Negronis, or anything involving strong spirits, any short drinks at all in fact. Even now, my favourite cocktails tend to be sweet and fruity (like me!). But recently, after enjoying some delicious rums at a friends party, my palate has decided to reach it’s full maturity and I have finally been seduced by the Negroni. So delicious and one of my new favourites. I have already tried several variations – from the Strawberry Negroni at Meraki, to the Fig Negroni on a wonderful date at Portland just this week.

 

Anyway, the point of this blog was to talk to you briefly about two wonderful cocktails bars very close to my location, that I’m sure you will enjoy. The first is the Artesian Bar at the Langham Hotel, which has been voted best cocktail bar in the world 4 years in a row, so it’s not an overstatement to say you can’t possibly find a better cocktail anywhere in the world! These are showstopping – technically amazing and highly creative cocktails, something worth adding to our date especially if you are visiting from out of town. It’s a very classy space where I will join you in an elegant dress and heels – the perfect way to kick off, or end our date (kiss!). The second is Purl, which is a hidden underground speakeasy style bar which also has very beautiful and creative cocktails, and a very fun menu. The space has a cozy, shabby-yet-sophisticated British feel and is and a lovely private place to retire before or after dinner. Neither of these is easy to walk into so we shall have to make a reservation to enjoy together. Shall we?

 

Hope to see you there soon!

 

Kisses on your cocktail,

 

Billie x

Champagne Saturdays

20200306_190926
20200306_190627
20200919_123953

Vintage booze and beautiful shoes make for a very special Saturday!

 

Really enjoying my “Luxury Day” dates, and enjoying some of the best experiences London has to offer. Why be a voyeur when you can be a voyager?! A wonderful experience, hopefully to be repeated (if we don’t all end up in lockdown again!) Thanks for the early birthday present xxx

 

Gros bisous!

Billie x

Michelin Moments

Finally ticked off Portland from my Restaaurant bucket list and it was excellent. An absolutely divine menu, so creative and seasonal. I had the grouse and the duck (If you know me, you know I really love eating game, and try to eat all available British game in Season). We had fantastic wines paired with it – a wonderful experience to have had such a special experience with a special person. I love meeting other foodies – dining is a passion of mine, and how lucky we are in London to have so many amazing places to eat on our doorstep. Definitely a restaurant I will enjoy visiting again. Until then, the memory of that delicious duck shall stay with me!


Big kiss,

Billie x

Cartier and Crustaceans

Double decadence with a recipe I created and tried yesterday – griddled Giant Black Tiger Prawns with Red pepper and chilli pesto. 

Tasted even better than it looked!

B x

Advantage, Billie

Hi Yummies,

 

I know, it’s been ages since my last blog and I’m sure you’re missing me dearly! Well, as you know I am always a busy bee – I recently started a really exciting project, and I’ve also started playing tennis. I can’t believe how good I am at tennis already! I’ve taken to it like a duck to water…

 

Just kidding! I’m absolutely awful. You’d have thought golf would have made it easier what with the smaller ball and much smaller implement to hit it with, but alas, things are a little more complicated when you’ve got a ball flying towards your face at 100mph (I should know!) I can’t remember if it was Gandhi, or Coco Chanel, but anyway, someone once said “If you can’t be good, be cute.” Actually, I’ve just made that up now but I’m sure you understand the sentiment. I will definitely get my own racquet (I’ve been borrowing so far) and hope that if I can’t yet bless the tennis court with Serena Williams-esque talent, then at least I can bless the court with a pretty smile and a precariously short tennis dress (I have some skirts as well now, you know me – for all my hobbies I love to have all the gear!)

 

Jokes aside, I am enjoying the process. I started with a lesson to get the basics and have recently been playing with a very patient friend. My observations are the following:

 

  1. Tennis is such a complete cardio and full body workout – wish I had started sooner 
  2. It’s as much about planning ahead as it is being in the moment
  3. (note to self:) Probably best to stop running at the ball then panicking when it nearly hits you in the face
  4. It’s harder than it looks which is probably why Andy Murray always looks so miserable
  5. Progress – for me at least – is a fast process (much faster than golf,) which is very rewarding
  6. You find yourself letting out involuntary moans when putting in extra effort. Like all involuntary moans, these are too be embraced.

 

There’s a global pandemic on at the moment (not sure it you’ve heard) so two golf trips with two of my favourite people unfortunately couldn’t happen. Living in town makes golf a little tricky, so I’m glad to have taken up a hobby that’s easier to fit around my schedule. Will keep you updated with my progress – can’t wait to see you soon.

 

Kisses from your favourite ball girl 😉

 

Billie x