A highly scientific and independently peer reviewed questionnaire designed to reveal your innermost desires. Please answer all questions honestly and consult the “RESULTS” section for immediate prognosis.
Your ideal destination to take your girlfriend would be:
a) A trip to the Byzantine ruins of course, where you can wonder through together and explore the history.
b) Paris. Good food and conversation on a romantic terrace, shoe shopping, and an elegant hotel where you can both enjoy a long weekend.
c) Anywhere where your girlfriend has to wear as small a bikini as possible, or ideally no bikini at all.
In your girlfriends carry on luggage is:
a) A map of the area you’ll be exploring together, along with her favourite book and some local currency.
b) Fendi sunglasses, and a well thumbed copy of The Economist.
c) Three vibrators, 100ml of baby oil and a butt plug.
Your girlfriend is watching television whilst you take a work call. On the television is:
a) A David Attenborough documentary.
b) Monty Python.
c) Pornhub (Extreme Squirting 4, one of her personal favourites).
You’ve caught her singing in the shower again. Of course it’s:
a) “The Hills are Alive” from The Sound of Music
b) “My Way” by Frank Sinatra
c) A song she wrote herself called “Why I Love Deepthroat”
After a long day exploring a new city together, your girlfriend needs:
a) A cuddle and an early night.
b) A hearty meal with a glass of local red wine.
When your girlfriend is on the beach, she’s usually:
a) Reading her book.
b) Riding a jet ski.
c) Enticing strangers with her string bikini.
It’s very hot so your lovely girlfriend:
a) Suggests some time wandering inside the museums and galleries.
b) Suggests you stop at a shaded terrace for an Aperol Spritz and a cool down.
c) Suggests you’ll be very impressed with her ability to deepthroat an ice cream.
To dinner in the city your girlfriend decides to wear:
a) A pretty summer dress and flip flops.
b) Tight jeans, strappy high heeled sandals, and a white blouse.
c) A see-through top with no bra, a mini skirt with no knickers, and seven inch platform heels.
From the gift shop your girlfriend purchases:
a) A postcard with the name of the city on it.
b) Nothing at all – not really her thing.
c) A dildo in the shape of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Your thoughtful girlfriend has called hotel room service to ask for:
a) A fruit salad for you both to share on the balcony.
b) A bottle of ice cold 2010 Dom Perignon with two glasses.
c) Another girl to join you in bed.
Your girlfriend can’t get enough of your:
Three times a day your girlfriend:
a) Checks the itenary to make sure you’re in schedule.
b) Pulls you to one side for a romantic kiss.
c) Needs a good and thorough seeing to.
Your girlfriend is an active member of:
a) The Royal Horticultural Society.
b) The Spectator Wine Club.
c) The Mile High Club, The Orgasm Liberation Front, Nymphomaniacs anonymous.
Travelling with your girlfriend is a dream because she’s got:
a) A way of making you feel comfortable and at peace.
b) An adventurous spirit.
c) No gag reflex.
Your girlfriend can ski:
a) But prefers the green slopes and apres ski
b) Off piste, black slopes, heli-ski, even backwards!
c) But prefers being spanked.
You open your emails to see your girlfriend has sent you an article titled:
a) 50 Historical walks in Paris
b) 50 Best restaurants in Paris
c) 50 Best kama sutra positions
Your evening stroll is made memorable by:
a) A beautiful sunset.
b) Stumbling across a little known local restaurant.
c) Your girlfriend dragging you down an alley for an al fresco blowjob.
Your girlfriend loves to surprise you with:
a) Thoughtful gifts she’s made herself.
b) Her spontaneous and adventurous nature.
c) Roleplay, rimming, and BDSM.
Your girlfriends favourite Olympic sport is
c) Riding you.
You’ve decided to visit the Vatican. Your girlfriend:
a) Brings her SLR camera so she can adequately capture the beauty of the place.
b) Makes an inappropriate but hilarious joke about the Pope.
c) Tries to shag a priest.
A holiday simply wouldn’t be complete for your girlfriend without lots of:
a) Sentimental moments.
Time to head home. You’re at your gate bur your girlfriend isn’t!
a) She’ll be there soon she’s helping an elderly lady get to her gate first.
b) Oops! At duty free stocking up on Chanel perfume and bubbly.
c) She later emerges from the bathroom dressed as a sexy air hostess.
Time to say goodbye. As her taxi arrives, your girlfriend:
a) Gives you a big hug, shedding a tear or two.
b) Gives you a big snog and a squeeze on the bum.
c) Gives you a blowjob in front of everyone in terminal 5!
Your phone pings once your girlfriend is safely home:
a) It’s an email from her thanking you for such a wonderful adventure.
b) It’s a whatsapp from her, already suggesting where you should fly to next.
c) It’s a video call, she’s horny again and wants to show you how much she’s missing you.
You are a GENTLEMAN TRAVELLER.
Intimacy and romance are important to you, you like to cultivate special moments when travelling with your girlfriend. You like your girlfriend to be feminine, sweet and kind hearted, someone to share a cuddle and a coffee with, and someone relaxed and natural to be around. You enjoy the simple things in life and your adoring girlfriend appreciates your old school values and kind heart.
You are an ADVENTUROUS TRAVELLER.
A modern man, you love a girlfriend who is versatile, expressive and curious. Making fun memories and enjoying the best cultural and culinary delights are the way you like to spend your time. Spontaneous, sassy, and smart, your dream girlfriend keeps you on your toes and makes your heart race. Never one to blend into the background, your dream girlfriend is confident, funny, and adventurous.
You are a MENACE TO SOCIETY.
Please contact Billie Farlow IMMEDIATELY for further assessment. Perpetually horny and blessed with what you like to call “Joie de Viagra”, you love nothing more than a sexy, liberated girlfriend who loves to tease and please you. Wandering through museums? No! You prefer your wandering hands exploring every inch of your smoking hot girlfriend and she likes it that way! In an ideal world you raunchy girlfriend doesn’t believe in self restraint, modesty, or wearing underwear! This is a serious diagnosis which requires urgent treatment. Billie Farlow has selflessly devised an experimental oral treatment that is said to reduce symptoms by as much as 85%, but you must act quickly to avoid potential transmission.