So today was babies first mugging.
Such a nice warm evening so I decided to walk home after my dinner date and… got mugged approximately 2 minutes after politely declining the offer to be walked home as I wasn’t far from where I live. I really wanted to get my steps in so decided to walk 8 mins home. There were all sorts of funny things about this particular mugging – After the initial shock I am finding myself to be in rather high spirits. They have these little grippy gloves so they can snatch your phone out of your hand extra efficiently. However I definitely think if I was a mugger I would do a better job. How do you steal a barely functioning Samsung phone that is smashed up and 5 years old, yet allow the muggee (new word) to walk away with a Chanel bag (the one I was wearing is the most sought after bag obviously), plus all my high value rings bracelet etc?
I remember when wearing a balaclava meant you were serious about crime. It was the criminal equivalent of a tailored suit. A balaclava meant you knew your shit. What has become of this country if even the thieves are woefully unproductive. If whoever took my things is reading this, please send me an email – for a small fee (or even my crappy old phone back) I’d be more than willing to teach you which jewellery is worth stealing, although it’s a testament to how elegant and tasteful my outfit was that the nefarious eye of a greedy yob could not identify that what I was wearing was (literally) worth more than 1000 times the value of the phone. I wear a lot of “if you know you know” items, and thankfully they didn’t know. What a compliment to my excellent taste. Had they snatched my handbag they’d be into 4-figure profit plus they could’ve used my bank cards on Amazon to buy more balaclavas faster than I could have cancelled them but alas… they had no such commitment to their craft. As they sped away on their E-Bikes (climate friendly, how lovely) all they really took was some holiday photos and an extremely old phone that has become a running joke as it’s so visibly falling apart. This experience has reminded me that life can be crazy and unpredictable. I took my Jimmy Choos off and ran after them of course but to no avail – I was in a particularly short linen dress so my loss ended up being a visual feast for onlookers… anyway, I don’t recommend getting mugged there are much better ways to spend an evening, but… there are worse ways too. I feel a bit euphoric. I shall tell you all about it in person (please refrain from contacting me about this unless I know you – it will annoy me unless you’re sending a pity gift of course in which case here is my wish list: https://www.wishtender.com/lovebillie
At the point at you wear a balaclava to work it’s safe to say things in life haven’t gone the way you planned but at very least, in choosing to be a thief, you could choose to do it with style. As Charles Bukowski once said:
Style is the answer to everything
A fresh way to approach a
Dull or dangerous thing
To do a dull thing with style is preferable
To doing a dangerous thing without it
To do a dangerous thing with style
Is what I call art.
First of all if I was to become a professional thief I would do it in a far more distinctive fashion. When you’re the type to leave jewellery and take phones you need something to add a little glamour to your vocation. I would be in head to toe pink Lycra with a pink balaclava and gloves so that over time I could build up legendary status in the community. Men would know they’d been robbed by “The Pink Power Ranger” and they may come to somewhat enjoy the process as my spandex clad backside wiggled away on the seat of my (obviously also pink) E-Bike. Petty crime should be done with style or not at all. My extensive knowledge of watches and jewellery would also lead to intelligent decisions that meant I could operate with a social conscience. I would only steal items in excess of £20,000, and if I accidentally swiped anything less than that value I’d toss it back to the owner with a courteous apology. I would only steal from men between the ages of 25 and 50 and would never steal vintage watches. I would have a weekly target for how much value I’d like to steal and if I have a particularly good start to the week and make my target early I would cease stealing until the start of the next working week, instead using the proceeds of my talent to treat myself to my favourite massage and Carol Joy facial at the Dorchester Hotel, and of course 3% of my proceeds would be given to the poor. I would be able to identify fake watches by eye and for that reason some people would fear NOT being mugged by me as a sign that their watch must fake and therefore, over time a small community of wealthy insecure individuals would conspire to deliberately set themselves up to get robbed by me in order to prove their items are expensive enough to get robbed by The (highly selective) Pink Power Ranger. It will become the ultimate status symbol to be robbed by me.
As my skills improve, the minimum value of what I’m willing to steal will increase and eventually it will be known, that The Pink Power Ranger doesn’t get out of bed for less than £100,000 a day. Within 48 hours of this news Audemars Piguet and Patek Phillipe will call me to offer brand sponsorships: Men have been buying any exclusive watch they can get their hands on in the hopes I might rob them. Soon after Chanel will get in touch to ask if I’d like a little pink Chanel handbag to carry my stolen watches in – this is very on-brand so I will gratefully accept.
Emails are coming in from Monaco, from Miami, from Dubai, men trying to entice me with details of their rare and high value watches – all hoping for just the chance of getting robbed. Over time I progress to only ever having to do these staged “ego” robberies and my range of pink Lycra outfits has become as extensive as they are mind bogglingly tight. Prada, Gucci, Valentino – all the big fashion houses will send me a pink outfits. After a long career stealing for profit, finally after my retirement I decide to give back to the community and offer free consultancy to the Metropolitan Police so that they may better protect the public from those intent on street theft. Once a year I hold a charity auction for some of the watches to raise funds for worthy causes and rather absurdly many of the people I stole from buy back their watches for twice what they paid in order to appear virtuous and charitable. Quite unexpectedly I am soon after awarded an OBE, along with a Nobel Peace Prize. Humbled, I finally take off my pink balaclava so my face may be seen and to the surprise of nobody, I’m absolutely gorgeous. I retreat to the mountains where I live out the rest of my days peacefully with one of the men I previously stole from who fell in love with me.
If I was a thief I would steal like that.